I was suffering from such a misery hangover yesterday that by the time I put Julia to bed, I was exhausted with a headache that I only get when I am over tired and useless.  Over the last semester, I have been intent on find a connection, hopefully a mentor or teacher at the Center for Investigation Healthy Minds which is part of the Waisman Center.  I hesitate for a long time to find a connection because I understood the CIHM to be full of hard nosed scientists who might have difficulty listening to a mom with an idea.  But in the past month or so, especially after the AUCD conference, my passion to begin what I see as my work has been growing exponentially and my chutzpa quotion has soared.  I pressed my LEND mentor for some contact and she finally, and possibly reluctantly, gave me two possibilities.  I emailed both, one at the beginning of December with a gentle reminded at the beginning of last week when I had not gotten a response, the other on Thursday morning.  By Thursday evening, I had been definitely put on hold by the first and roundly blown off by the second.  

And I was so disappointed.  This was the first time I have had to face an honest, big rejection by myself.  David and I had suffered so many together -- we started in theater and fiction, after all, and we never abandoned the cultivation of dreams and possibilities.  That kind of life is full of the opportunities to fall flat on one’s face over and over and over.  And when my nose got bruised from a fall, I would lay in his arms railing against the universe and my own bad luck or bad timing or deficiencies.  Maybe we would have had some chocolate ice cream or a glass of wine or watched a very junky movie or fall into bed together.  We would have done something to try to easy the sting and then gone to sleep.  Last night, I wrote until the sting was dulled and this morning, Lisa listened to my passionate complaints and offered much counsel.  It was enough that I could go in and do the work that I am allowed to do at the Waisman Resource Center.  I like what they allow me to do and I am grateful that I am allowed to do it.

In the morning while I was talking to Lisa, I was still hurting enough to wonder whether I should abandon this idea of meditation for families like my own.  After all, I am no expert and that seems to be my most serious deficit, but I cannot get the thought of it out of my head or my heart.  And so, I will bank the coals for a long winter’s night and prepare for spring.

In the midst of the misery - written with tongue firmly in cheek -- Julia continued to have compliance challenges.  She has had a hard time in school this week following directions (the discovery of that is another thorn in this week’s crown) and has been challenging to me and her therapists.  On Thursday, she had finished therapy and was playing a game on the wii.  I called in from the kitchen that it was almost dinner time and she would need to set the table.  She acknowledged that she heard me.  A few minutes later, I told her to stop playing and start setting.  She replied with a, “Right after this game, mom.”  The pattern this week has been that she will respond by putting me off or not respond at all, and then I would asked again, multiple times, until I became annoyed and raise my voice and threaten all manner of consequences, at which point she would comply.  On Thursday, I was just too defeated to mount such an effort and so when Julia did not set the table, I went on with the finish of supper.  I set the table, plated the food, put the plates on the table, sat down to eat, finished eating, cleared the table, washed the dishes, put away leftovers, and finally, went into the living room and told her it was time to go to bed.  This is a small house, and Julia was about 10 feet from me as I set, sat, ate and cleared.  

She asked me about dinner, I told her it was over and there was breakfast the next morning.  She is proud and stubborn enough not to moan and groan, and went upstairs promising to “listen and do better next time” -- phrases learned from my constant patter.  We went upstairs and I told her that she needed to take a shower.  She answered, “no,” and I was very aware that my eyes widened and mouth hung open in response.  I was almost ready to fight with her about it but stopped and said, “ok, then” and went to my room.  She realized that she had stepped over the tolerance line and did what she could to make up for it, including undressing and standing naked in the shower calling for me to turn on the water.  I refused, admittedly had some choice unhappy words with her and she went to bed.  

Julia was starving when she woke up on Friday, but possibly the compliance factor really jumped for the entire day.  She did a good job in school, during therapy, and afterwards, that we had chocolate ice cream, with nuts, and sauce, and whip cream for dessert.  And I do think we both deserved it.  

Can we count the lessons in that day!