I have been caught in the mire of self-pity for days on end now, and off and on, but partially acknowledging it, partially asking for help rather unconsciously, and partially engaging in the days so that perhaps I can move on.  And then there are the days of just deciding to get through the day with  few physical chores and be tired enough to crawl into bed and face oblivion at day’s end.  Not too different from all of the therapy that has trained Julia to recognize, name and regulate her emotions.

Sometimes doing what is better for us, enriching instead of fitting out roundness into those square holes.  Case in point, we did not attend the FCC Chinese new year party where I have always felt like the odd family out.  It was fine the first few years when I knew a few families who went -- one with a special needs kid -- but more and more, it seemed like everyone has that perfect Chinese princess and there was no place for us.  This may have only been my perception, but it was painful.  And so, instead of the pain, we celebrated with Robert and Mary and some very good Chinese food.  And that was enough.  

16 February 2013

This morning I was sick to death of living alone.  Sometimes the first person that I talk to, other than prodding and pushing Julia to get out the door in the morning, is the valet parking guard when I park at the hospital.  He says, “Hello, how are you?” and I realize how welcomed these formalities are.  I don’t know if I will ever be happy living alone.  Julia has learned to occasionally ask me how I am but has not learned to wait for the answer and to feign concern.

Julia is using more similes -- looking at a shadow of her head in the early morning, “I have a pineapple on top of my shoulders.”  umm, does it make it a metaphor if she doesn’t use “as” or “like?”

She folder 28 paper cranes to make a mobile for her secret friend at school.  When her enthusiasm waned last weekend because she did not know the name of her friend -- a precaution to keep her from telling the secret -- I revealed the name of the girl.  Julia was able to keep the secret for the entire week.  Afterwards, I heard from Julia’s secret friend’s mother.  The friend loved the mobile and it made it home in one piece with getting tangled.  

Julia’s classroom teacher was her secret friend.  She made Julia a wonderful large collage of animals which will be hanging up somewhere soon.  Julia loves it and it is very dear.  She also baked green dinosaur cookies for Julia and made her a little bracelet.  I had one very happy girl!

She had a good week of learning to tell time in 5 minute intervals; however, when she was asked about some of the terms we worked on perviously -- greater, less, first, last, etc. -- she had no idea.  Autism, ADHD, IQ?  I have no idea.  She does not have the problem with reading.  Words stick.  But she has been reading longer.

If it is that Julia needs more circling back to cement ideas, I’ve started to be more deliberate, intentional perhaps, about using “first,” “last,” etc.  I will not give up on those ideas.  At least, not yet.

One of my mentors let me know that I do not ask for help in the most advantageous way.  I am too direct and go to much to exactly what I want instead of finessing the experts whose time, energy or advice I crave.  Considering the rather lousy results that I’ve gotten lately, I could do nothing but agree with her and walk around feeling bewildered and awful for a few days.  It was awful to hear that after finally coming to an ability to ask questions and to ask for help, that I was doing it wrong!!  

But the day after, I managed an afternoon tea with a contact from the holistic world who has done with a form of yoga what I would like to do with meditation -- bring his brand of positions which are the result of his own theories and practice to the autistic community.  Much of what we intend is different but there are places where ideas meet.  It was a good conversation and incredibly, he was the first person to asked me meaningful questions about my practice with Julia.  The questions propelled me forward over the next few days and during the last week, I have tried to keep Julia more present and with her breath during our morning strong sitting.  

It was a good meeting.  After we work a bit on the new form, I will describe it.  For now, it is changing every days.

Tonight, it is bitter cold outside.  After school, we had therapy at the clinic and then a quick stop at the Apple store because I was having trouble with our iCloud storage which was making Julia’s iPad freeze.  I knew that i was missing something to turn off or on but I needed  a shortcut to figuring it out.  After the Apple store, we stopped for Chinese take out instead of cooking at home.  I wanted it hot and quick.  I started a fire in the fire place and we ate dumplings, dandan noodles, and eggplant in garlic hot sauce while we watched a nature show about the steppe of Kazakhstan. Afterwards, Julia wanted to watch the fire and we curled up together on the floor in front of the fire and just enjoyed the warmth and the flames.  It was particularly cozy and we were quiet until Julia asked to go to bed.