So, a few thoughts at 4 in the morning.  

Damn, why is sleeping through the night such a challenge?  

No, that is not really a thought.

Today, my MBSR, Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, class begins.  I had to fill out forms for the class and one of those forms was about my stress level.  I certainly admit to being stressed.  Whether my stressors are viewed by others as stressors is up for grabs but certainly I am stressed by them.  But none of those situations was on the sheet.  The sheet perplexed me when I filled it out two days ago and when I figured out why yesterday, all I could imagine doing was to add to the created list:

Raising a child with disabilities

Raising a child on the autism spectrum

Coming change in your child’s therapy schedule

Being a single parent

Long time grieving of a partner

Concern about a very ill friend

Transitioning to a new career

I have to look again, but possibly only the last item is on the list of stressors.

I did get to go outside and do a bit of cleaning of the lawn and garden beds late on Sunday.  I had hoped to do it on Monday afternoon as well but we had rain.  Even the cleaning outside is of comfort and eased the sadness and stress I am feeling.

I’ve been angry and teary and of course, worried about Matthew.  The feelings are easing somewhat, except for the worry.  When I feel this way, the only situation that I imagine will ease the feelings is to be closer to Cheshire and Lisa.  This stress makes it hard to see my supports that are closer to home.  And there are those, certainly.  As this fog lifts, I am grateful for Rowan making me a salad on Saturday and for the response on Facebook that I got when I posted that I decided to join a swim club this summer.  Both very small gifts, but gifts nonetheless.  I am thankful for those.

I get scared about so many things -- it is almost embarrassing to write them down and to write them over and over.  As I come up for air, I perceive the messages of hope and patience.  This is a journey, so much of it is a practice.  Arriving, complete satisfaction are not the point.  

Coming up for air, I’ve made some decisions about the summer -- cut back on Julia’s at home school work (maybe just reading and online math), draw and paint with her as our work together, join the swim club and spend summer days at lessons and pool play, garden, bike, cut back therapy to 10 hours of autism therapy (less than 1/2 of our schedule for the last 4 years), speech and attachment, check out music or art based social groups, take a week away (hopefully with Lisa or Cheshire or both), and I’d like to camp.  The summer away from Madison does not work this year, nor does distant travel -- the desire is there but the energy and will involved is not.

I realize that I have been trying to change Julia, to push her as quickly as I can to make her what she is not, my typical Chinese child.  It is not that I will stop urging her forward, but I need to do it to help her become the best of who she is, not some image that I have.  Very simple, right?  Reading in bed tonight, a book that she is not quite ready to ready by herself, I remembered doing the same thing with Cheshire when she was 7 or 8.  I don’t think that Julia has made it that far, probably more like 6 or 7 in a very modified way.  She was not interested in chapter books without dinosaurs last year, I am not always crazy about her literary choices but those are maturing.  And the other day, she asked who the books in our house were for.  She appreciated that we had so many for her to read -- two shelves that should be of great interest in the next year.  So many times her understanding has huge gaps.  I’ve constantly tried to fill those gaps -- teach to the gaps.  And I need to just breaths and find joy in our accomplishments and truly teach to her strengths.  She doe have them.  It is hard for me who, preach what I will, believes in the academic and social world that I’ve traveled and grown in, that there can be a satisfying life without good grades in school and an “important” profession.  For both of us, I need to change that view.

I fall and stall and fail at this task and then I get up again, forgive myself (still working on that) and work at it again.