I began Saturday in an foul mood.  Defeated, sad, ready to give something up.  And I wanted to go home, feeling like I had long outlived my welcome in Indiana.  I was of no interest, even to me.  Last week, after the lay trainer teaching a Milwaukee university doc who was attending, asked my partner and I various questions and we all chatted.  I told her of my ambitious plan of resiliency training, my partner of a plan that is simmering in her head.  The doc was polite to me but excited by my partner’s plan.  I felt awful -- her not me, only a limited number of opportunities to go round, maybe I am nuts.  Not articulated enough to be jealous, more like feeling that once again I was foolish to think I had a good idea.  I held on to these feelings, albeit buried beneath more immediate concerns, but festering below.  By Saturday I hungered for recognition and approval which I was not getting.  Not that I believe that I should have been getting it but wanting all the same.  Ego urging me on -- that little devil sitting on my shoulder nodding at my despair.  And that, and noticing Julia’s differences, put me in a bad place.

But by mid-3-year-old-birthday-party, I was feeling better.  I watched Julia play with kids in the dinosaur jumping house.  They were younger but by in large she was appropriate -- with some awkwardness -- and very friendly.   She bossed some kids around, but much gentler than she used to and a word from me would stop her.  She was kind to a girl close to her age, perhaps 10, who was either shy or sad.  And she ate like a truck driver!  First, a hot dog, vegies and chips, and then 2 pieces of cake and home made cookies.  She pointed out to me that it was a good cake. (when we did grocery shopping before getting home, she asked to buy a frozen frosted white cake and said she hoped it was as good at the one at the party.)  And I talked with a Noah relative who works in a homeless shelter.  She felt led to her work and encouraged me to do my own “important work.”  Was that all that I needed?  Some one listen and utter a few words of encouragement.  Small and something that she will never remember.  Was it the angels, my guides reminding me?  According to Ellen, they do it all the time.  I only need to be attentive.

I had a dream on Friday night. A dream of safety and happiness. I woke up wanting to hold on to the feeling. The holding on didn’t work on Saturday but as I was driving home I realized that this is the happiest dream I have had since David died.  So comforting, in fact, that I could summon up the feeling of it last night to lull me to sleep.

Today begins the rescheduled fourth grade camping trip to Upham Woods.  We packed last night and Julia was pretty excited about today.  She did get her period minutes before we were set to leave the house for school.  She handled it without drama or complaint, and told me that I was a very helpful mom for packing her extra napkins.  

I am working at Waisman this morning but plan on an afternoon in the garden.  I made a mental list as I rode in and almost want to cut short the work to get to it. 

Posted pictures in photo and flower.