Crazy time.  More and more and more coming at me.  Sitting for a mommy moment: Julia is supposed to be reading Judy Moody and getting ready to do her weekly writing homework.  Instead, she is annotating some drawings in her most recent sketch book.  

I let her annotate until she seems done and then she starts reading Judy Moody.  After testing this year, Julia came out with a lower reading level than they was in May.  Of course, we read all summer.  It is not Julia’s decoding that has fallen off but her comprehension.  These are the challenges that I attribute to autism.  Inference is almost impossible, summing up anything is painful and remembering from one page to the next is very hard.  Thus, Julia can read and understands lots of what she reads but most of it stays in her brain a very short time.  Actually, I don’t think that her comprehension has gotten worse but she tested worse because her comprehension is not good and probably the reading matter that was used was not as interesting to Julia as what they used in May.  Still, it worries me.  Living in the present, Julia’s present without spiraling into a grim future is almost impossible for me.  

My girl who wants to read the biggest and chunkiest of the adventure books -- Cat Warriors, Gregor the Overlander, and all the Harry Potter’s, has trouble distilling the story out of a very easy chapter book.  

So, we work.  The routine has become reading a chapter of a book on Sunday, set up Julia’s writing grid, fill out the basics (topic, characters, setting), write an introduction sentence and one more sentence.  Then on Monday and Tuesday, she adds another few sentences on each, and on Wednesday, she edits (puts capitals and periods in and corrects  verb tense) and writes a final draft.  It is long hard work.  But we put this kind of work into learning letters, into reading words, into counting and adding and multiplying.  She’s learned these things and learned a good work ethic as well.  Remembering all of that, I don’t worry at all about Julia’s future.

Julia’s behavior this last week was beginning to slip in school.  It happens every year but I am always surprised by it.  She starts great -- relatively focused and cooperative, and then when she figures out the lay of the land and is more trusting of the people around her, she tests and asserts her will.  She also shows anger and some aggression, this year not towards anyone.  

Her teacher’s description:  Since speaking to you yesterday, I have been thinking about possible changes we are seeing with Julia. As I reflected back to the beginning of the year, I remember Julia having most days going pretty smoothly despite the new 5th grade environments and teachers. Probably in the last three weeks, what I have been attributing to pre-teen kind of behavior at first (saying "Whatever" when re-directed) has gotten more pronounced. When issues come up - like going to recess yesterday - Julia was so mad she threw rock at glass door, jumped a few times and made mean face, went to fence- shook fence, spotted rock and started scratching fence (as I had mentioned to you yesterday). I am realizing this was pretty intense. I still need to get info on Wednesday's events you asked about.  What is your take? Do you think this sounds like past behaviors or is this new to you as well? Is it due to pre-teen hormones, or is it her meds? 

As always she wants to do well, and for the most part is following directions. We do hear her making statements about not being a good student, etc. Maybe she is feeling lack of control over her impulses.”

Yes, intense, but then again, she did not hurt or try to hurt anyone, she didn’t make much noise, and she got outside pretty quickly.  At least, relatively speaking.  So, this is better than last year and the year before, when the aggression may have been directed at someone and/or the noise would have be significant.  

But after reflection, there is another take on this behavior.  Instead of attributing Julia’s behavior with a growing comfort level and an assertion of her will, it may be that she is comfortable enough with her new surroundings to feel those things that make her uncomfortable.  In the past, Julia showed a great deal of hypervigilence.  Her attention was focused on defending herself and not on learning or any other useful childhood endeavor.  As the hypervigilence subsided, there was much more “bad” behavior.  Some of that behavior was direct reaction to something in her environment that she could not tolerate.  

The easiest example to explain is that when Julia was in second grade we (her teachers) finally figured out that her morning tantrums and meltdowns when she refused to go into the school building were about her not being able to stand the noise of the school lockers.  I began bringing her early to school, she went into the classroom without going into the playground, and her locker stuff was kept in a box inside the classroom.  Getting into school got a whole lot easier.  

So, it could be that this current behavior and the anger that precedes has a cause apart from Julia’s not wanting to go out for recess.  I don’t have any answers, just this possibility.  

On to more.  I’ve had an incredible week.  Lots of learning and practice.  Last Tuesday, Awakening Joy and Greater Well Being” An Evening with James Baraz.  Then on Friday, it was an evening with Jon Kabat-Zinn & Richard Davidson.  Tonight, James Baraz came to the meditation group I attend and taught.  Tomorrow and Tuesday, I am going to a conference for Contemplative Practices to Promote Child and Family Well-Being.  Some of this was long planned and some just came up and I grabbed at it.  I have been saying to myself lately that I have begun to take this path seriously.  It is the first time in a long time that I am allowing passion to take on a life of its own, allowing something to sweep me away.  It feels like it is perfectly ordinary, normal and right.  There is a good sigh in that last sentence.

We had a lovely weekend -- weather so beautiful you could cry with every breath.  Julia and I stayed close to home, slept in, did chores and gardening.  This morning we went to a little farmer’s market -- Julia paying and taking change from sellers -- and then to do a big food shopping.  I came home to make the fall’s first beef stew which was splendid.  Julia did home work and played her cello -- she can now play bow each string separately.  She could not do that a week ago. I think I have found a (another) teacher.  We try her out on Tuesday.  I hope it goes well because Julia really seems to be taking to music.  When I clap a four out for her to pluck, I give her “four for nothing.” I explained it to her as the time to get the beat into her body, way into her core, and she listened very intently.  Remarkable for her.

At the grocery store, the butcher who I’ve asked for meat a few times in the past month, said he didn’t recognize me with my hat on.  I said something back and we exchanged a few pleasantries.  I walked away and it hit me that no one has noticed me in a long time.  I don’t mean my friends -- they notice me often.  I don’t mean some kind of flirty notice -- not that there is anything wrong with that, but there are no eyes who admire me.  No eyes that I want to be admired by.  Widows are invisible.  I’ve heard that often but didn’t really know what it meant.  But today, with just a little notice, I realized how invisible I have been for this long time.  No one admired my wedding clothes a few weeks ago, no one notices when I get a hair cut.  This is not vanity or ego, not a longing for complements in the least.   Once again, I am pulled up short discovering yet another pool of lack, another of those things that David did for me (and hopefully, what I did for him) that goes undone.  

And I miss being noticed by a pair of fine eyes.  I’ve never thought of myself as particularly noticed, but to be invisible   . . . .