For a number of reasons, most unforeseen, I have time to sit and write. I could be out in the garden but I am trying to grow grass and need to keep everything wet which means that I either muck around the garden in the mud or just water and let beds go for a week or so. I could do chores although nothing is screaming at me. I could be reading or trying to compose a resume and letter for an incredible job that I am probably not really qualified to get.
Instead, I am in the library after a morning meditation group. I delayed and procrastinated and roamed the internet as if I was mining for precious metal. I edited the last entry that I wrote a few days ago, but I have not written.
I am feeling poised to begin -- I’ve been in the hall of transition for a long time. I itch to begin what it is I am here to do. My eyes are open to find this “it.” My ears peaked. I worry that a prolonged waiting time will dull my senses and I will miss “it.”
I want romance and I don’t mean a guy to sweep me off my feat although I would possibly jump into a lover’s arms if given half a chance, but more because I want to end this over long transition time, not necessarily out of any true love. I want some project to sweep me off my feet and I feel mostly ready.
I threw the I ching yesterday and asked “when.” The answer I got back was the I had more work to do before it arrives. Delay and development. Will used to tell us that the I ching is always true because it tells us what we already know. Yes, I know. More time.
But there are things that I recognize:
I am on a spiritual journey and I am taking it seriously. Inside my head, I’ve been announcing, ‘hey, I’m really doing this!’ And rejoicing a little bit.
I need to ‘chase joy’. Another phrase clanging around in my head for more than a month now. I’ve tried writing on it a few times and I am utterly inarticulate. Perhaps pursuing gratitude and generosity would be more appropriate -- this is what I feel it is- but I like the directness, the irreverence, even the impulsivity of my vision of playing tag with these illusive sprites.
There are such strong syncronicities in my life, even the current retreat themes of letting go, gratitude and generosity fold so neatly into my journey that I am stunned by the easy relevance. Sometimes I do not make the most of what is put in front of me.
And more on that. I have been feeling somewhat at loose ends. My Waisman project is very slow in starting. All I am doing right now is to attend meetings once a week. I’ve fretted but I’ve also done more gardening, started looking at winter house projects -- ach! I had a dream before waking of Lisa’s basement (which I’ve never been in) completely cleaned out except for three pieces of furniture. I’ve been thinking that there are tasks I must do before I can get out of the hallway of transition -- it is time to finish my cataloguing and cleaning. Maybe even start of refinished the cabinet I want for my dining room. Physically, I need to make space for what is to come. I need to look at that to-do house list and start checking things off again. But after gardening.
Enjoy gardening -- watering for grass, buying bulbs, planting, maybe mulching, cleaning up and putt away the garden.
Mentally and spiritually, I need to make space for what is to come. Metaphor should not be ignored. I need that on a pillow!
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