Resilience is the ability to bend and weave, to move and duck, to cancel and regroup, to edit, to leave, to begin anew.  If this be so, I am learning to be resilient again.

The weekend brought changes.

My annual trip to Baltimore for Thanksgiving is cancelled due to family matters on the Baltimore end.  I mourned this over the weekend, talking to Cheshire and realizing that it was not possible to change plans to go to NYC.  So, we will be home which I have longed for.  For a day, I was lost with great fear that I would be spending the day alone with Julia.  That is really no way to celebrate.  We did that sort of things back in the day -- David, Cheshire and I and it was fine, but Julia is a lousy dinner companion.  We need more.  I will ask about for who is around, who needs two dinner companions.  I can cook or be cooked for.

There is the possibility of extending Christmas travel time by going to Baltimore for New Years.  Is this what I was asking for months ago?  Complete change?  A shaking up of routine?  Is this part of healing?

Julia helped with the raking yesterday.  The big, big tree which holds onto leaves the longest finally let go last week and we had a lot to rake.  We filled the compost bins which are much smaller than I’ve kept for years and put the rest out to the curb for leaf collection.  I raked while she filled the plastic barrel to carry out to the street.  It took us a long time and thankfully, Julia did not complain.  Her work, although not an adult share, was not negligible.  At first, I felt it was taking me too long to instruct her, but after awhile, she fell into step and we could be proud of all our work together when we were finished.  Physical work is so good for Julia.  And me.  

Today, I thought I would do the front yard which I’ve done before and so is not as filled as the back was.  However, it is snowing!  Snowing, sticking to the roofs, and not stopping.  Raking in the snow has much too much of a desperate sound to me.  I can only hope it does not accumulate and I will be given a few hours later this week to finish up.  Back garden is “put away” but there remains a few chores in the front.  It is November and I have ordered a new down coat that I will use soon, but I was hoping for a few more days.

I’ve been grousing to myself all weekend -- changes, hard work to do almost alone, and really sick of cooking every day.  And trying to rid myself of this cold.  Being sick is never good for my temperament.  Today, most of it is gone.  I am grateful for what I have and what I can do.  There is a bit of joy infusing into my being.  3 years, 4 months and 6 days.  It is the decision to be of this world that begins the healing, but the process is dammed long and I am sure the next road block is just visible on the horizon.  Still, today, there is a little joy.