Last meditation class on Tuesday.  I’ve learned a good deal in the last 8 weeks, much of the time it was putting names to practices that I had used previously or stumbled upon in another life.  Not that I was doing most of the practices in the most advantageous manner -- trying to stay away from saying that I did them incorrectly or, worse yet, wrong.  This was an experience of deepening and lessons.  I learned that I really want to have a meditation community and want to continue learning.  I learned how good it feels to take my inclinations seriously.  Following bliss  and all that is just as good as it is billed to be.  I might excuse myself for not always following my “bliss,” citing practical reasons of middle class living and “blaming” David, as if he would have rolled his eyes and disapproved of this kind of bliss.  Possibly, maybe even probably, his eyes would have rolled, but I could have insisted.  Surely, it would have not been the first thing I insisted upon and which later he would have embraced enthusiastically.  For so many things that was out pattern.  What would it be like to live with someone who brought the “crazy” ideas home? 

For a meditation group, there are a plethora of groups in town -- this is Madison after all -- that I could join or casually drop in on.  I can begin with the three groups that are held at FUS, two of which are taught be people that I know from Quest.  I will need to find childcare no matter when I begin -- it does  seem that most meditation groups meet in the evening or so early in the morning that it would conflict with Julia getting on the school bus.  

Yesterday morning, I went to a Japanese Crane meditation group right after Julia got on the bus.  I’ve been doing this form of Chi Gong for more than a year now -- a noon time group at FUS.  That group only meets during the school year and this early morning meeting during the summer and is a combination of two groups that meet at church.  I’ve asked if I can bring Julia next week . I have the group’s approval, but I still have to get Julia up and out of the house by 7:30.  

Julia may or may not be reacting to all the transitions that are upcoming.  She does not acknowledge all of it.  Today is the last day of school and she is excited for summer.  She has not talked about leaving her teacher of two years or the everyday therapists who have done her  intensive therapy which ends at the end of June.  One of our therapists has already left and Julia avoided any good-bye.  She may be doing this intentionally or she may not understand a thing.  It is about time and there are still gaps in her understanding about time.

Sometimes she recedes into her own world which she is faced with concepts that she does not understand.  She can be reached by asking her again and again to re-join our reality, but she usually answers in a perfunctory manner and very much off topic.

Then sometimes she is spot on clear.  The other night, just before dinner, she fooled around when I asked her to put on shoes so that we could walk the dog.  I asked her a few times.  I was in the kitchen and she was in the living room.  I warned her that if I came into the living room and caught her not putting on her shoes there would be consequences.  I got a lot of “yes, mom’s” from her.  I went in, she was reading without her shoes on.  She lost dinner immediately and went straight to bed.  She first refused to do it, but I marched her upstairs and she was able to do as I asked.  She was teary when we talked about it once she was tucked up in bed.  I gave her hugs and kisses in bed, but there was no consequence change happening.  The spot on clear moment was when she asked me if I liked her and if I was going to send her back to China.  She was so (insert appropriate swear word for emphasis) clear.  I had an open channel to her mind at that moment, no confusion, no need to redirect, no need for an aide to interpret directions.  Oh, if only I could reach inside that child and put that spot on clarity front and center. 

She is still such a mystery at times.  

This morning, the last day of school, was the school talent show.  Many of the classes work on a dance to perform for the whole school and a smattering of parents crowded in the back of the cafeteria.  Julia did not make it onto the stage with her class in third grade and was not a full participant last year, but today, it was incredible!  She was enthusiastic and very present.  She kept up with her class.  She was not perfect but she was not the only one.  And she was focused.  To watch her today is to know her potential.  To know that she will do art.  To know that she will have a life with some or all of the pleasures and pain that we all have.  

Such hope from a lip sink dance performance.  

So I’ve taken time to write this morning.

Sitting in Barrique’s waiting for a FUS friend to start camp activity planning.  I am incredibly early and have work that I can do, including this writing which I have not been thinking of as work.  The cafe is crowded but there are plenty of people sitting and typing at laptops, so I have no worry about taking up space for too long a time.  Than, who walks in to meet someone but my big hero and admitted crush.  Yes, I am finally admitting to this crush.  I am on the other side of the room and so cannot eavesdrop or even watch him without moving (which I will not do).  This is not a stomach churning crush -- when will I have one of those again?  It would probably be very healthy to have,  but thinking of  some man as interesting, smart and someone I would love to get to know is not a bad start.  This I say because truthfully, I have not had even a passing interest intellectual or otherwise in the last three years in a man.   Truth be told, I would rather that this crush was my teacher than a Saturday night date, but if I can long for a teacher, maybe a date is not far behind.

Oh, interest in the opposite sex is more than crazy at my age.  Possibly at any age, but youthful libido helped immensely with finding a partner or pursuing a social life.  

Could I write my novel sitting in cafes?  Is it a novel that I could be writing.  Something else?  

I am ready for school to be over for the year and for summer to begin.  I have some ambivalence about vacationing in August but I am ready for days at the pool and slow mornings.