Observed and written on Wednesday, 24 October

Shadowing Julia is school today.  

Julia starts in Ms. K’s room (homeroom) and then travels downstairs to Ms. S’s room for math.  

Math class: Julia works in a fifth grade group learning mode, mean, range and median.  This is a core class and Julia must be in it.  The intellectual concept is beyond her but her SE teacher sits with her slowly going through the procedures to find each number.  There are two other girls at the same table and they ask the SE teacher questions.  She is able to answer the questions and go back to Julia.  The procedures include putting the numbers in order, adding them together and dividing.  All are things that Julia needs to work on and that she is closer to doing -- although putting numbers in order is still hard for her.  She and her SE teacher work with manipulatives to arrange numbers and then add them.  Julia get distracted, stims some by rubbing fingers together or rubbing her head, and sometimes is no where near on task but Ms. H. perserveres.  Julia is recaptured and gets on task again.  It is hard for Julia to listen FIRST and then do a task.  What is working here is that Julia is able to be included in the class and at the same time have a smaller lesson imbedded into the class.  She is adding a series of numbers to find the average by adding and counting to get to 67.  She checks it by using the calculator.  It takes a long time but eventually she does it and feels that she is doing a good job.

The class does three changes before sitting down again.  Upstairs to homeroom, downstairs for vision checking (Julia needs to see a doc.   I’ve been noticing her squinting recently so this is not a surprise.  She became a bit frustrated with the testing but got through it enough to know she needs more.)  Upstairs to homeroom to read silently (Warrior Cat book) and then down the hall to Ms. F’s room for science.  Julia needs some directing to lead the line back upstairs.  She sits and reads without any problem at all.  She does say some of the words out loud but quietly and without bothering her neighbors.  There is a great range of reading material in the class -- adventure like Warrior Cats and Stranded, fantasy like Pegasus, nonfiction for history or science like Volcanos and other natural disasters, graphic novels like Bones.

Julia needs to be reminded to get her science notebook and at the first reminder she says, “later.”  Ms. H. insists and Julia does it.  I am expecting the transition from reading to science to be harder.  Julia is given her “homework sheet” to fill is and then needs to shift to science before

Science: (9:20 am) Julia can participate in class but needs to be cued to stay on task over and over.  She is concentrating on picking on her fingers, even getting distracted by them when she raises her hand.  Mrs. F. cues Julia separately to find the page in her notebook for the experiment they are doing.  The three others in her group begin to set up the experiment.  Julia needs to be cued to look at their solution.  Julia is asked about the experiment and she answers with something about Harry Potter.  Ms. H is not able to get her on task -- she interrupts Julia over and over.  I finally ask Julia what she is doing and for a moment she focuses on the experiment.  Later, she shouts out about Harry Potter world when asked about the experiment.  

I wonder what the optimal amount of time that Julia can concentrate on anything she is not interested in.  Obviously, filtering a solution is of little interest to her.  But she is not disruptive with disinterest.  Ms. H asks her to put the gram pieces in order and she an engage in that with help.  She needs help being a participant.  Her group cues and asks her multiple times.  She responds.

Julia needs to be pushed and prodded to move along.  She doesn’t understand what is going on and her distraction increases.  However, looking around the room, there is probably a good quarter of the class that is not engaged but they are socializing generalizing, not perseverating on their hands.   By the end of the class, Julia is turned away from the teacher and the board where the lesson is focuses.  Ms. H physically refocuses her and then asks her to leave the room to wash her hands.  I am not sure whether the hand washing is because her hands are dirty or to try to refocus her, either way, she needs to be closely directed to do this.  

Strings: Julia has trouble getting downstairs.  Well, she gets down to the basement but wants to wait to go into the music room instead of going to the strings room.  She insists to me that it is music where she belongs until Victoria, her aide for strings, comes to get her.  She is very distracted as she gets her cello from the shelves, gets to her seat and opens her cello.  She needs a lot of direction.  Once the cello is out, Victoria reviews finger positions with Julia while the rest of the class gets settled.  Julia does fine with this but balks when she is asked to go to the teacher to be tuned.  She does it and is the last person tuned in class.

The music teacher asks to turn to page 12 and Julia has a hard time complying.  She says she is a bad girl and stupid.  She is getting loud and shouting out.  This feels like an escalation from science class.  Page 12 is way to hard for Julia.  Admittedly we started later than the other kids.  Julia was not bringing home assignments because she doesn’t being home assignments and I was waiting for direction.  We really just got started with the book this week.  We are on pages 6-7.  Most of the kids are doing page 12 pretty well.  Obviously this is a group that practices.  Julia has settled down and is working on the measured assigned.  She stops to work on the exercise that Martha (her cello teacher) assigned yesterday.   Victoria is trying to explain something in terms of dinosaur claws, Julia will not accept what Victoria says.  Instead, 

The class is stretching, Julia cannot put her cello down and then doesn’t want to do the exercises.  This is exactly what she needs!  She talks out and makes noises instead of of moving.  No one tries to make her do the exercises.  I don’t blame them.  Julia rather talk out than follow directions.  This is behavior that drives me crazy.  

When it is time to play the cello, Julia tries to do what the class does.  The two lines of music are too hard for Julia to do slowly, quickly is impossible.  Julia also does not understand connecting the measures yet.  And yet, she tries with lots of help from Victoria.  

When the class switches activities and works on bow hold with a pencil, Julia is resistant, goes back to making noises.  After Victoria talks and talks to her, Julia is able to  approximate the hold and does what she is asked.  Julia notices a rash on her teacher’s skin and perseverates on that.  Much of what she is doing in strings is directly opposite what her private cello teacher is telling her to do.  This might be a problem for a typical child, for Julia I may be asking too much.  Julia is supposed to be doing bow activities, instead she talks and talks about Harry Potter until Victoria becomes cross.  The class is pretty loosely run and Julia seems to need more and more direction.  

Using bow: 4, 5, 6,7 and the halloween song

I spent part of the art period talking to Ms. H, Julia’s SE teacher.  I asked about SE theory.  Should we be pressing Julia to extend her own skills or give her the broad range of exposure that typical students get.  Ms. H is of the opinion that Julia needs the social piece of school so much that even if we could put more into her head by working more intensely academically that i would not serve her well in the long run.  Likewise, she opined that Julia would do best in the middle school where most of the kids in her class go so that she will not have to begin all over again socially in sixth grade.   

Art:  Julia is focused and almost does what her teacher wants before she is asked.  She takes suggestions and then goes beyond directions.  She is working with clay.

During cleanup, Julia bossed her friend Amanda to do a better (harder) job cleaning the table.  There will come a time when Julia will have to learn kindness and gentleness with her friends.  Katie, the art teacher, lets Julia walk around the room as other kids are made to sit on the rug.  I know that Julia is listening but she is being kind of spoiled here.  When she goes to sit down, she sits in front close to the teacher.  

After lunch, Julia is supposed to be with one of her aides, S, for reading.  They are working on compression which Julia sorely needs.  Julia would rather be working in the classroom on typing pal.  She offers a bit of resistance but complies relatively quickly.  

S begins by giving Julia some vocab words.  Today, words that end in -tion.  S explains term to Julia -- right now, irrigation -- much like I do at home.  S asks Julia to sum up the  the “story so far.”   S is also working on idioms and expressions --  “healthy as an ox.”  Julia is missing so many expressions that kids who are 12 have already picked up.  S has Julia re-read something she read yesterday.  She questions her constantly, pressing Julia to explain words and concepts and story development.  I do this at times and have wondered if it helped.  When S does it, it makes so much sense that this is good for Julia.  

There are two periods of recess during the school day and for the second one, Julia is not at all happy going outside.  She is less social this time although interestingly there are a few kids who come up to her and try to draw her into their groups.  

After recess, Ms. H uses a very easy book to work on writing with Julia.  I think Julia is filling out a review sheet on the story.  She erases a lot which takes way too much time.  Ms. H puts a 10 on top of the page for Julia to track her erasing.  Gosh, I wish I could think of something else to draw her out of her compulsions.  Julia doesn’t need someone to keep her on task but to keep her from  spending her time erasing and redoing.

Something interesting: in the past Julia could be very sensitive whenever someone touched her.  She could whine or yell or do something physical back.  Julia’s desk is next to a boy’s and when the boy closed his desk top and grazed Julia’s elbow, she didn’t say a thing.  I know that she can still do her old behavior at times, but there was a time when it was always.

Reading aloud:  Julia is allowed to draw while Ms. K reads aloud.  Amanda comes over to sit next to Julia to use Julia’s markers.  Julia puts them between herself and Amanda and does not keep any track of what Amanda is using.  

Cold rain and dark clouds began the day.  I missed morning meditation at the library but talked to Mary for a bit of perspective.   I have one more plant to getting into a garden bed but not in the rain.  It may almost get down to freezing tonight.  

I can feel the seasons giving way.  I notice more and more bare trees and the leaf color is no longer vibrant.  I love fall, I love watching the process of it but this is the point when I would like to hold on tight to the day.  Of course, there is only letting it go.  

I closed the storm windows on the second floor and in the sun room on back of the house.  I’ll call Ed soon to change screen to storms and wash windows on the first floor very soon.  Unfortunately there was two windows in the play room that are open at the top and will not close.  If they would, the house would be warmer.  This is when I curse the old wood windows and wish for replacements!  What I love about the old windows is the old glass that is subtly different than new glass.  Imperfect with tiny distortions.  I had to replace the glass in one old window in my bedroom and right away I could see the difference.  But imperfection is a beautiful pain!  

Time to get back to inside work.  Since my Waisman work has not yet appeared, I have time on my hands and house projects -- those old sorting and ordering projects from two years ago -- to finish.  Today, I made labels for two boxes of Julia stuff.  I have another box of recent finance stuff to finish ordering and then it is back to old pictures.  Perhaps it is time to scan lots of the old stuff so that I can share both more of the originals and the digitized scans with other dear ones.

I am quietly digesting the idea that my mother’s estate will not close this year.  It is four and a half years old. For a very short week or two, I was blinded by the light at the end of the tunnel.  Alas, my brother seems to want to stand between me and that light.  Not much to do but go through what ever process he wants to take us through and watch the bank balance slowly diminish.  Sad.  I was so ready to let go of those tasks.  I have to smile at that last statement, I’ve been “ready” to let go of the tasks for about four of those four and a half years.  

Julia came out of the school building alone today (I’m sure there was a teacher lurking behind her but no one was needed to coax her out the door.), saw me and came right over with some burning information to share.  This scenario is still unusual but very nice.  Then, a girl (S) who is in Julia’s class for the first time, stopped Julia and told her that she would bring in “the book” for Julia tomorrow.  Julia turned to her and said, “sure.” and S said good-bye.  Julia did not respond but did not totally ignore S either.  When S was out of hearing, I asked what book S was talking about.  Julia said, “Really, mom, I have no idea.”  But at least she said “sure” to S.

This morning, Julia told me she had a dream that two of her classmates came over for a sleep over.  She has two days off next week.  Perhaps we can do something with those classmates. 

Crazy time.  More and more and more coming at me.  Sitting for a mommy moment: Julia is supposed to be reading Judy Moody and getting ready to do her weekly writing homework.  Instead, she is annotating some drawings in her most recent sketch book.  

I let her annotate until she seems done and then she starts reading Judy Moody.  After testing this year, Julia came out with a lower reading level than they was in May.  Of course, we read all summer.  It is not Julia’s decoding that has fallen off but her comprehension.  These are the challenges that I attribute to autism.  Inference is almost impossible, summing up anything is painful and remembering from one page to the next is very hard.  Thus, Julia can read and understands lots of what she reads but most of it stays in her brain a very short time.  Actually, I don’t think that her comprehension has gotten worse but she tested worse because her comprehension is not good and probably the reading matter that was used was not as interesting to Julia as what they used in May.  Still, it worries me.  Living in the present, Julia’s present without spiraling into a grim future is almost impossible for me.  

My girl who wants to read the biggest and chunkiest of the adventure books -- Cat Warriors, Gregor the Overlander, and all the Harry Potter’s, has trouble distilling the story out of a very easy chapter book.  

So, we work.  The routine has become reading a chapter of a book on Sunday, set up Julia’s writing grid, fill out the basics (topic, characters, setting), write an introduction sentence and one more sentence.  Then on Monday and Tuesday, she adds another few sentences on each, and on Wednesday, she edits (puts capitals and periods in and corrects  verb tense) and writes a final draft.  It is long hard work.  But we put this kind of work into learning letters, into reading words, into counting and adding and multiplying.  She’s learned these things and learned a good work ethic as well.  Remembering all of that, I don’t worry at all about Julia’s future.

Julia’s behavior this last week was beginning to slip in school.  It happens every year but I am always surprised by it.  She starts great -- relatively focused and cooperative, and then when she figures out the lay of the land and is more trusting of the people around her, she tests and asserts her will.  She also shows anger and some aggression, this year not towards anyone.  

Her teacher’s description:  Since speaking to you yesterday, I have been thinking about possible changes we are seeing with Julia. As I reflected back to the beginning of the year, I remember Julia having most days going pretty smoothly despite the new 5th grade environments and teachers. Probably in the last three weeks, what I have been attributing to pre-teen kind of behavior at first (saying "Whatever" when re-directed) has gotten more pronounced. When issues come up - like going to recess yesterday - Julia was so mad she threw rock at glass door, jumped a few times and made mean face, went to fence- shook fence, spotted rock and started scratching fence (as I had mentioned to you yesterday). I am realizing this was pretty intense. I still need to get info on Wednesday's events you asked about.  What is your take? Do you think this sounds like past behaviors or is this new to you as well? Is it due to pre-teen hormones, or is it her meds? 

As always she wants to do well, and for the most part is following directions. We do hear her making statements about not being a good student, etc. Maybe she is feeling lack of control over her impulses.”

Yes, intense, but then again, she did not hurt or try to hurt anyone, she didn’t make much noise, and she got outside pretty quickly.  At least, relatively speaking.  So, this is better than last year and the year before, when the aggression may have been directed at someone and/or the noise would have be significant.  

But after reflection, there is another take on this behavior.  Instead of attributing Julia’s behavior with a growing comfort level and an assertion of her will, it may be that she is comfortable enough with her new surroundings to feel those things that make her uncomfortable.  In the past, Julia showed a great deal of hypervigilence.  Her attention was focused on defending herself and not on learning or any other useful childhood endeavor.  As the hypervigilence subsided, there was much more “bad” behavior.  Some of that behavior was direct reaction to something in her environment that she could not tolerate.  

The easiest example to explain is that when Julia was in second grade we (her teachers) finally figured out that her morning tantrums and meltdowns when she refused to go into the school building were about her not being able to stand the noise of the school lockers.  I began bringing her early to school, she went into the classroom without going into the playground, and her locker stuff was kept in a box inside the classroom.  Getting into school got a whole lot easier.  

So, it could be that this current behavior and the anger that precedes has a cause apart from Julia’s not wanting to go out for recess.  I don’t have any answers, just this possibility.  

On to more.  I’ve had an incredible week.  Lots of learning and practice.  Last Tuesday, Awakening Joy and Greater Well Being” An Evening with James Baraz.  Then on Friday, it was an evening with Jon Kabat-Zinn & Richard Davidson.  Tonight, James Baraz came to the meditation group I attend and taught.  Tomorrow and Tuesday, I am going to a conference for Contemplative Practices to Promote Child and Family Well-Being.  Some of this was long planned and some just came up and I grabbed at it.  I have been saying to myself lately that I have begun to take this path seriously.  It is the first time in a long time that I am allowing passion to take on a life of its own, allowing something to sweep me away.  It feels like it is perfectly ordinary, normal and right.  There is a good sigh in that last sentence.

We had a lovely weekend -- weather so beautiful you could cry with every breath.  Julia and I stayed close to home, slept in, did chores and gardening.  This morning we went to a little farmer’s market -- Julia paying and taking change from sellers -- and then to do a big food shopping.  I came home to make the fall’s first beef stew which was splendid.  Julia did home work and played her cello -- she can now play bow each string separately.  She could not do that a week ago. I think I have found a (another) teacher.  We try her out on Tuesday.  I hope it goes well because Julia really seems to be taking to music.  When I clap a four out for her to pluck, I give her “four for nothing.” I explained it to her as the time to get the beat into her body, way into her core, and she listened very intently.  Remarkable for her.

At the grocery store, the butcher who I’ve asked for meat a few times in the past month, said he didn’t recognize me with my hat on.  I said something back and we exchanged a few pleasantries.  I walked away and it hit me that no one has noticed me in a long time.  I don’t mean my friends -- they notice me often.  I don’t mean some kind of flirty notice -- not that there is anything wrong with that, but there are no eyes who admire me.  No eyes that I want to be admired by.  Widows are invisible.  I’ve heard that often but didn’t really know what it meant.  But today, with just a little notice, I realized how invisible I have been for this long time.  No one admired my wedding clothes a few weeks ago, no one notices when I get a hair cut.  This is not vanity or ego, not a longing for complements in the least.   Once again, I am pulled up short discovering yet another pool of lack, another of those things that David did for me (and hopefully, what I did for him) that goes undone.  

And I miss being noticed by a pair of fine eyes.  I’ve never thought of myself as particularly noticed, but to be invisible   . . . .

Tuesday.  We took the dog to the vet on Saturday and decided to put her to sleep.  It was not an easy decision even though she had not doing well for months.  The decision and the vet visit marked another period in our lives.  Another end.  Not just to be maudlin but because it is on my mind, I will write that here was another circumstance that put me a further distance from David.  I was talking to my sister on another matter over the weekend and we talked of Latkah some.  I said that the desire to stay the same, to not change anything so as not to forget anything, is so very strong.  And so, in this rather dramatic decision to end Latkah’s life nested yet another decision to change and grow further away from David.  

The vet did a cursory exam and said that the Latkah probably had either a brain lesion or a tumor.  Or some other neurological condition.  This is so much more complicated than I had imagined.  I imagined that her systems were failing due to age.  Well, both may have been working.  The vet offered steroids, prednisone, to relieve what she believed to be inflammation in her brain but when I asked how long that would give Latkah, she said a week to a month.   A few days of relief, perhaps a week or two was not tempting.  Well, that is not true.  It was tempting.  I wondered if that was the right course, but to be back with a dog that could not see, hear or hardly walk and who was peeing almost all the time in the house and now just allowing herself to get wet from her pee -- I didn’t think she was going to come back to her perky old self in any sense.  Had Latkah been a bigger dog, I would have acted sooner.  I’ve been carrying her up and down stairs, even the few stairs to get our of the house.  She was also drinking a lot more water than usual and then peeing a great amount.  I was right to be alarmed by that as the vet said that that was probably due to the beginnings of kidney failure.  

No, the dog, my dog, the dog of Cheshire’s childhood and our family life from a Christmas in Indy to Julia learning to love her dog, did not need to suffer or endure a much reduce quality of life.  I do believe that I made the right and loving decision.

I posted on facebook and so many friends left messages.  I appreciated them.  A cousin wrote that I should go and get a rescue dog and that would make me feel better.  I guess that is one way to handle loss.  Replace.  But pets, no more than people, are not fungible for me.  I don’t know if I will ever get a dog again.  Dogs require daily maintenance.  Not that it is so difficult but with a high maintenance kid around, another being that needs caring and feeding can be overwhelming at times.  So, we shall wait a good long while before even considering.

Yesterday, Monday, we had a small funeral.  The vet found a small box in which Latkah’s body had been curled -- not unlike she usually slept.  I thought that in her earlier days she would have appreciated a box that size.  The vet also kept Latkeh’s body from Saturday until Monday because it was such a rainy Saturday and no time to dig a dog grave.  Julia wanted to have a funeral and a grave site and I was very willing to go along.

So yesterday, I picked up the body and dug a deep hole in the back corner of the garden behind a hydrangea bush.  When Julia came home from school, we cleaned up the site where many apples from my neighbor’s tree had fallen and were rotting.  Then we gathered flowers for a bouquet and wrote Latkah’s name on a big rock and thought about what we could say about Latkah.  We wrote a list and texted Cheshire in case she wanted to add anything.  Then we pet the dog for the last time, told her the things we had thought of, put the box into the hole, covered it with dirt and put the stone and flowers into place.  

Cheshire chimed in this morning reminding me of the lovely story of how when we were on vacation one day when Latkah was a year or so old, she had been staying with her family of origin for the week.  One day my next door neighbor called us and told us that Latkah was sitting on our front steps.  It seemed that our dog, who we always said had very little brain, had managed to walk between the two houses, a walk which would take us at least a half hour or so.  Latkah had never walked that way and had only been driven from one house to the other twice.  And she found her way home.  

And my thought this morning is that I am quite sure that Latkah’s spirit, for what spirit there is, once again finds her way home.

written 29 september 2013

Last morning of the September Quest retreat.  I woke up about 2 and tried to get more sleep.  Failing that, I put on my sweat pants and some music and thought of writing.  I have spent the time reading old journal entries and what I read enlightens and disappoints me.  I have been searching for what to dive into for such a long time.  I have the feeling that if I read back to my earliest journals I would be looking for the same answers.   I have an impulse to swear off the looking but wonder if I have the choice.  Why aren’t the tasks of today enough?  I’ve imagined it was ego urging me on.  Ambition?  What?  The looking has more to do with the future than the present.  Has it been my escape from now.  And do I love gardening because it is what puts me in the present.  I want to be off the treadmill of reaching for what is just out of sight.  I want to be now.

written 26 September 2013

For a number of reasons, most unforeseen, I have time to sit and write.  I could be out in the garden but I am trying to grow grass and need to keep everything wet which means that I either muck around the garden in the mud or just water and let beds go for a week or so.  I could do chores although nothing is screaming at me.  I could be reading or trying to compose a resume and letter for an incredible job that I am probably not really qualified to get.  

Instead, I am in the library after a morning meditation group.  I delayed and procrastinated and roamed the internet as if I was mining for precious metal.  I edited the last entry that I wrote a few days ago, but I have not written.  

I am feeling poised to begin -- I’ve been in the hall of transition for a long time.  I itch to begin what it is I am here to do.  My eyes are open to find this “it.”  My ears peaked.  I worry that a prolonged waiting time will dull my senses and I will miss “it.”

I want romance and I don’t mean a guy to sweep me off my feat although I would possibly jump into a lover’s arms if given half a chance, but more because I want to end this over long transition time, not necessarily out of any true love.  I want some project to sweep me off my feet and I feel mostly ready.  

I threw the I ching yesterday and asked “when.”  The answer I got back was the I had more work to do before it arrives.  Delay and development.  Will used to tell us that the I ching is always true because it tells us what we already know.  Yes, I know.  More time.

But there are things that I recognize:

I am on a spiritual journey and I am taking it seriously.  Inside my head, I’ve been announcing, ‘hey, I’m really doing this!’  And rejoicing a little bit.

I need to ‘chase joy’.  Another phrase clanging around in my head for more than a month now.  I’ve tried writing on it a few times and I am utterly inarticulate.  Perhaps pursuing gratitude and generosity would be more appropriate -- this is what I feel it is-  but I like the directness, the irreverence, even the impulsivity of my vision of playing tag with these illusive sprites.  

There are such strong syncronicities in my life, even the current retreat themes of letting go, gratitude and generosity fold so neatly into my journey that I am stunned by the easy relevance.  Sometimes I do not make the most of what is put in front of me.

And more on that.  I have been feeling somewhat at loose ends.  My Waisman project is very slow in starting.  All I am doing right now is to attend meetings once a week.  I’ve fretted but I’ve also done more gardening, started looking at winter house projects -- ach!  I had a dream before waking of Lisa’s basement (which I’ve never been in) completely cleaned out except for three pieces of furniture.  I’ve been thinking that there are tasks I must do before I can get out of the hallway of transition -- it is time to finish my cataloguing and cleaning.  Maybe even start of refinished the cabinet I want for my dining room.  Physically, I need to make space for what is to come.  I need to look at that to-do house list and start checking things off again.  But after gardening.

Enjoy gardening -- watering for grass, buying bulbs, planting, maybe mulching, cleaning up and putt away the garden.

Mentally and spiritually, I need to make space for what is to come.  Metaphor should not be ignored.  I need that on a pillow!