Observed and written on Wednesday, 24 October

Shadowing Julia is school today.  

Julia starts in Ms. K’s room (homeroom) and then travels downstairs to Ms. S’s room for math.  

Math class: Julia works in a fifth grade group learning mode, mean, range and median.  This is a core class and Julia must be in it.  The intellectual concept is beyond her but her SE teacher sits with her slowly going through the procedures to find each number.  There are two other girls at the same table and they ask the SE teacher questions.  She is able to answer the questions and go back to Julia.  The procedures include putting the numbers in order, adding them together and dividing.  All are things that Julia needs to work on and that she is closer to doing -- although putting numbers in order is still hard for her.  She and her SE teacher work with manipulatives to arrange numbers and then add them.  Julia get distracted, stims some by rubbing fingers together or rubbing her head, and sometimes is no where near on task but Ms. H. perserveres.  Julia is recaptured and gets on task again.  It is hard for Julia to listen FIRST and then do a task.  What is working here is that Julia is able to be included in the class and at the same time have a smaller lesson imbedded into the class.  She is adding a series of numbers to find the average by adding and counting to get to 67.  She checks it by using the calculator.  It takes a long time but eventually she does it and feels that she is doing a good job.

The class does three changes before sitting down again.  Upstairs to homeroom, downstairs for vision checking (Julia needs to see a doc.   I’ve been noticing her squinting recently so this is not a surprise.  She became a bit frustrated with the testing but got through it enough to know she needs more.)  Upstairs to homeroom to read silently (Warrior Cat book) and then down the hall to Ms. F’s room for science.  Julia needs some directing to lead the line back upstairs.  She sits and reads without any problem at all.  She does say some of the words out loud but quietly and without bothering her neighbors.  There is a great range of reading material in the class -- adventure like Warrior Cats and Stranded, fantasy like Pegasus, nonfiction for history or science like Volcanos and other natural disasters, graphic novels like Bones.

Julia needs to be reminded to get her science notebook and at the first reminder she says, “later.”  Ms. H. insists and Julia does it.  I am expecting the transition from reading to science to be harder.  Julia is given her “homework sheet” to fill is and then needs to shift to science before

Science: (9:20 am) Julia can participate in class but needs to be cued to stay on task over and over.  She is concentrating on picking on her fingers, even getting distracted by them when she raises her hand.  Mrs. F. cues Julia separately to find the page in her notebook for the experiment they are doing.  The three others in her group begin to set up the experiment.  Julia needs to be cued to look at their solution.  Julia is asked about the experiment and she answers with something about Harry Potter.  Ms. H is not able to get her on task -- she interrupts Julia over and over.  I finally ask Julia what she is doing and for a moment she focuses on the experiment.  Later, she shouts out about Harry Potter world when asked about the experiment.  

I wonder what the optimal amount of time that Julia can concentrate on anything she is not interested in.  Obviously, filtering a solution is of little interest to her.  But she is not disruptive with disinterest.  Ms. H asks her to put the gram pieces in order and she an engage in that with help.  She needs help being a participant.  Her group cues and asks her multiple times.  She responds.

Julia needs to be pushed and prodded to move along.  She doesn’t understand what is going on and her distraction increases.  However, looking around the room, there is probably a good quarter of the class that is not engaged but they are socializing generalizing, not perseverating on their hands.   By the end of the class, Julia is turned away from the teacher and the board where the lesson is focuses.  Ms. H physically refocuses her and then asks her to leave the room to wash her hands.  I am not sure whether the hand washing is because her hands are dirty or to try to refocus her, either way, she needs to be closely directed to do this.  

Strings: Julia has trouble getting downstairs.  Well, she gets down to the basement but wants to wait to go into the music room instead of going to the strings room.  She insists to me that it is music where she belongs until Victoria, her aide for strings, comes to get her.  She is very distracted as she gets her cello from the shelves, gets to her seat and opens her cello.  She needs a lot of direction.  Once the cello is out, Victoria reviews finger positions with Julia while the rest of the class gets settled.  Julia does fine with this but balks when she is asked to go to the teacher to be tuned.  She does it and is the last person tuned in class.

The music teacher asks to turn to page 12 and Julia has a hard time complying.  She says she is a bad girl and stupid.  She is getting loud and shouting out.  This feels like an escalation from science class.  Page 12 is way to hard for Julia.  Admittedly we started later than the other kids.  Julia was not bringing home assignments because she doesn’t being home assignments and I was waiting for direction.  We really just got started with the book this week.  We are on pages 6-7.  Most of the kids are doing page 12 pretty well.  Obviously this is a group that practices.  Julia has settled down and is working on the measured assigned.  She stops to work on the exercise that Martha (her cello teacher) assigned yesterday.   Victoria is trying to explain something in terms of dinosaur claws, Julia will not accept what Victoria says.  Instead, 

The class is stretching, Julia cannot put her cello down and then doesn’t want to do the exercises.  This is exactly what she needs!  She talks out and makes noises instead of of moving.  No one tries to make her do the exercises.  I don’t blame them.  Julia rather talk out than follow directions.  This is behavior that drives me crazy.  

When it is time to play the cello, Julia tries to do what the class does.  The two lines of music are too hard for Julia to do slowly, quickly is impossible.  Julia also does not understand connecting the measures yet.  And yet, she tries with lots of help from Victoria.  

When the class switches activities and works on bow hold with a pencil, Julia is resistant, goes back to making noises.  After Victoria talks and talks to her, Julia is able to  approximate the hold and does what she is asked.  Julia notices a rash on her teacher’s skin and perseverates on that.  Much of what she is doing in strings is directly opposite what her private cello teacher is telling her to do.  This might be a problem for a typical child, for Julia I may be asking too much.  Julia is supposed to be doing bow activities, instead she talks and talks about Harry Potter until Victoria becomes cross.  The class is pretty loosely run and Julia seems to need more and more direction.  

Using bow: 4, 5, 6,7 and the halloween song

I spent part of the art period talking to Ms. H, Julia’s SE teacher.  I asked about SE theory.  Should we be pressing Julia to extend her own skills or give her the broad range of exposure that typical students get.  Ms. H is of the opinion that Julia needs the social piece of school so much that even if we could put more into her head by working more intensely academically that i would not serve her well in the long run.  Likewise, she opined that Julia would do best in the middle school where most of the kids in her class go so that she will not have to begin all over again socially in sixth grade.   

Art:  Julia is focused and almost does what her teacher wants before she is asked.  She takes suggestions and then goes beyond directions.  She is working with clay.

During cleanup, Julia bossed her friend Amanda to do a better (harder) job cleaning the table.  There will come a time when Julia will have to learn kindness and gentleness with her friends.  Katie, the art teacher, lets Julia walk around the room as other kids are made to sit on the rug.  I know that Julia is listening but she is being kind of spoiled here.  When she goes to sit down, she sits in front close to the teacher.  

After lunch, Julia is supposed to be with one of her aides, S, for reading.  They are working on compression which Julia sorely needs.  Julia would rather be working in the classroom on typing pal.  She offers a bit of resistance but complies relatively quickly.  

S begins by giving Julia some vocab words.  Today, words that end in -tion.  S explains term to Julia -- right now, irrigation -- much like I do at home.  S asks Julia to sum up the  the “story so far.”   S is also working on idioms and expressions --  “healthy as an ox.”  Julia is missing so many expressions that kids who are 12 have already picked up.  S has Julia re-read something she read yesterday.  She questions her constantly, pressing Julia to explain words and concepts and story development.  I do this at times and have wondered if it helped.  When S does it, it makes so much sense that this is good for Julia.  

There are two periods of recess during the school day and for the second one, Julia is not at all happy going outside.  She is less social this time although interestingly there are a few kids who come up to her and try to draw her into their groups.  

After recess, Ms. H uses a very easy book to work on writing with Julia.  I think Julia is filling out a review sheet on the story.  She erases a lot which takes way too much time.  Ms. H puts a 10 on top of the page for Julia to track her erasing.  Gosh, I wish I could think of something else to draw her out of her compulsions.  Julia doesn’t need someone to keep her on task but to keep her from  spending her time erasing and redoing.

Something interesting: in the past Julia could be very sensitive whenever someone touched her.  She could whine or yell or do something physical back.  Julia’s desk is next to a boy’s and when the boy closed his desk top and grazed Julia’s elbow, she didn’t say a thing.  I know that she can still do her old behavior at times, but there was a time when it was always.

Reading aloud:  Julia is allowed to draw while Ms. K reads aloud.  Amanda comes over to sit next to Julia to use Julia’s markers.  Julia puts them between herself and Amanda and does not keep any track of what Amanda is using.  

Last meditation class on Tuesday.  I’ve learned a good deal in the last 8 weeks, much of the time it was putting names to practices that I had used previously or stumbled upon in another life.  Not that I was doing most of the practices in the most advantageous manner -- trying to stay away from saying that I did them incorrectly or, worse yet, wrong.  This was an experience of deepening and lessons.  I learned that I really want to have a meditation community and want to continue learning.  I learned how good it feels to take my inclinations seriously.  Following bliss  and all that is just as good as it is billed to be.  I might excuse myself for not always following my “bliss,” citing practical reasons of middle class living and “blaming” David, as if he would have rolled his eyes and disapproved of this kind of bliss.  Possibly, maybe even probably, his eyes would have rolled, but I could have insisted.  Surely, it would have not been the first thing I insisted upon and which later he would have embraced enthusiastically.  For so many things that was out pattern.  What would it be like to live with someone who brought the “crazy” ideas home? 

For a meditation group, there are a plethora of groups in town -- this is Madison after all -- that I could join or casually drop in on.  I can begin with the three groups that are held at FUS, two of which are taught be people that I know from Quest.  I will need to find childcare no matter when I begin -- it does  seem that most meditation groups meet in the evening or so early in the morning that it would conflict with Julia getting on the school bus.  

Yesterday morning, I went to a Japanese Crane meditation group right after Julia got on the bus.  I’ve been doing this form of Chi Gong for more than a year now -- a noon time group at FUS.  That group only meets during the school year and this early morning meeting during the summer and is a combination of two groups that meet at church.  I’ve asked if I can bring Julia next week . I have the group’s approval, but I still have to get Julia up and out of the house by 7:30.  

Julia may or may not be reacting to all the transitions that are upcoming.  She does not acknowledge all of it.  Today is the last day of school and she is excited for summer.  She has not talked about leaving her teacher of two years or the everyday therapists who have done her  intensive therapy which ends at the end of June.  One of our therapists has already left and Julia avoided any good-bye.  She may be doing this intentionally or she may not understand a thing.  It is about time and there are still gaps in her understanding about time.

Sometimes she recedes into her own world which she is faced with concepts that she does not understand.  She can be reached by asking her again and again to re-join our reality, but she usually answers in a perfunctory manner and very much off topic.

Then sometimes she is spot on clear.  The other night, just before dinner, she fooled around when I asked her to put on shoes so that we could walk the dog.  I asked her a few times.  I was in the kitchen and she was in the living room.  I warned her that if I came into the living room and caught her not putting on her shoes there would be consequences.  I got a lot of “yes, mom’s” from her.  I went in, she was reading without her shoes on.  She lost dinner immediately and went straight to bed.  She first refused to do it, but I marched her upstairs and she was able to do as I asked.  She was teary when we talked about it once she was tucked up in bed.  I gave her hugs and kisses in bed, but there was no consequence change happening.  The spot on clear moment was when she asked me if I liked her and if I was going to send her back to China.  She was so (insert appropriate swear word for emphasis) clear.  I had an open channel to her mind at that moment, no confusion, no need to redirect, no need for an aide to interpret directions.  Oh, if only I could reach inside that child and put that spot on clarity front and center. 

She is still such a mystery at times.  

This morning, the last day of school, was the school talent show.  Many of the classes work on a dance to perform for the whole school and a smattering of parents crowded in the back of the cafeteria.  Julia did not make it onto the stage with her class in third grade and was not a full participant last year, but today, it was incredible!  She was enthusiastic and very present.  She kept up with her class.  She was not perfect but she was not the only one.  And she was focused.  To watch her today is to know her potential.  To know that she will do art.  To know that she will have a life with some or all of the pleasures and pain that we all have.  

Such hope from a lip sink dance performance.  

So I’ve taken time to write this morning.

Sitting in Barrique’s waiting for a FUS friend to start camp activity planning.  I am incredibly early and have work that I can do, including this writing which I have not been thinking of as work.  The cafe is crowded but there are plenty of people sitting and typing at laptops, so I have no worry about taking up space for too long a time.  Than, who walks in to meet someone but my big hero and admitted crush.  Yes, I am finally admitting to this crush.  I am on the other side of the room and so cannot eavesdrop or even watch him without moving (which I will not do).  This is not a stomach churning crush -- when will I have one of those again?  It would probably be very healthy to have,  but thinking of  some man as interesting, smart and someone I would love to get to know is not a bad start.  This I say because truthfully, I have not had even a passing interest intellectual or otherwise in the last three years in a man.   Truth be told, I would rather that this crush was my teacher than a Saturday night date, but if I can long for a teacher, maybe a date is not far behind.

Oh, interest in the opposite sex is more than crazy at my age.  Possibly at any age, but youthful libido helped immensely with finding a partner or pursuing a social life.  

Could I write my novel sitting in cafes?  Is it a novel that I could be writing.  Something else?  

I am ready for school to be over for the year and for summer to begin.  I have some ambivalence about vacationing in August but I am ready for days at the pool and slow mornings.

There is change.  For both of us.

When Julia does some bad behavior -- mostly these days not listening in a timely fashion -- I immediately give her consequences -- like, in the car going to therapy this morning, she was supposed to eat breakfast.  Instead, she played with her iPad and when we got to IDS clinic, she had not touched her strawberries.  And so, no iPad for the rest of the day.  She is angry but contains herself.  She apologizes and tells me she will try again next time.  When she gets out of the car, she wants to hug me.  We had two instances of consequences this morning before we got to clinic but no angry words. I know she is getting angry because she almost immediately forgets why there were consequences.  Her concentration is completely on her loss.  I ask her what happened (lost the iPad for the day) and why (did not eat before playing).  I still need to connect the consequences with the reason for them.  She will learn eventually, hopefully before she is 35.  

I am at a meditation retreat today -- the day-long retreat that is part of the MBSR course.  There will be three or four classes here today and the room is lined with chairs.  I feel a bit tentative but more sure of myself than usual -- I feel like I am part of this world although I would be hard pressed to define what I really mean by “this world.”  I have the sense of belonging.  

Snow today, enough to close schools in the regions but not ours.  Which is fine.  As long as there is no closing midday.  The snow is wet and the flakes are big, at least right now.  I ponder whether to shovel now before going to Waisman. This is the time of year when I wonder why I, or anyone for that matter, lives here!  I am not snow adverse but it does seem to last forever in Wisconsin.  Count my blessings time, obviously, and remember how wonderful this town really is.

Julia and I “played” money last night after supper at her request.  We took out the big plastic container of coins, sorted some change and played store.  We took turns putting prices on little erasers and challenged each other to pull that much money out of our coin piles.  $.44, $.78, $1.35.  It is still a challenge for Julia but she now understands what she is doing and why.  We will work with money this summer a lot.

Julia’s heel is finally beginning to heal.  A local pharmacy recommended a very heavy moisturizer -- something that almost needs to be put on with a spatula -- and we’ve been using it twice a day.  This is no miracle cure,  but it is mighty hard to peel the skin off her heel when her nails are cut short and her foot is slathered with greasy cream.

Julia’s compliance factor has been edging up since last week.  We hit a low maybe two weeks ago and I was really praying for change without needing some drastic change in meds.  I really noticed the change towards compliance the last two days when she almost willingly woke up for school.  She is still in my bed at night (for healing purposes) and so her alarm clock does not work.  But we’ve had two passable morning risings this week and I am pleased.

In math, triple digit addition and subtraction, with carrying over and borrowing.  Some of the theory is understood and although scaffolding is still necessary, she is beginning to get it.

Now, the snow and the shovel!