Observed and written on Wednesday, 24 October

Shadowing Julia is school today.  

Julia starts in Ms. K’s room (homeroom) and then travels downstairs to Ms. S’s room for math.  

Math class: Julia works in a fifth grade group learning mode, mean, range and median.  This is a core class and Julia must be in it.  The intellectual concept is beyond her but her SE teacher sits with her slowly going through the procedures to find each number.  There are two other girls at the same table and they ask the SE teacher questions.  She is able to answer the questions and go back to Julia.  The procedures include putting the numbers in order, adding them together and dividing.  All are things that Julia needs to work on and that she is closer to doing -- although putting numbers in order is still hard for her.  She and her SE teacher work with manipulatives to arrange numbers and then add them.  Julia get distracted, stims some by rubbing fingers together or rubbing her head, and sometimes is no where near on task but Ms. H. perserveres.  Julia is recaptured and gets on task again.  It is hard for Julia to listen FIRST and then do a task.  What is working here is that Julia is able to be included in the class and at the same time have a smaller lesson imbedded into the class.  She is adding a series of numbers to find the average by adding and counting to get to 67.  She checks it by using the calculator.  It takes a long time but eventually she does it and feels that she is doing a good job.

The class does three changes before sitting down again.  Upstairs to homeroom, downstairs for vision checking (Julia needs to see a doc.   I’ve been noticing her squinting recently so this is not a surprise.  She became a bit frustrated with the testing but got through it enough to know she needs more.)  Upstairs to homeroom to read silently (Warrior Cat book) and then down the hall to Ms. F’s room for science.  Julia needs some directing to lead the line back upstairs.  She sits and reads without any problem at all.  She does say some of the words out loud but quietly and without bothering her neighbors.  There is a great range of reading material in the class -- adventure like Warrior Cats and Stranded, fantasy like Pegasus, nonfiction for history or science like Volcanos and other natural disasters, graphic novels like Bones.

Julia needs to be reminded to get her science notebook and at the first reminder she says, “later.”  Ms. H. insists and Julia does it.  I am expecting the transition from reading to science to be harder.  Julia is given her “homework sheet” to fill is and then needs to shift to science before

Science: (9:20 am) Julia can participate in class but needs to be cued to stay on task over and over.  She is concentrating on picking on her fingers, even getting distracted by them when she raises her hand.  Mrs. F. cues Julia separately to find the page in her notebook for the experiment they are doing.  The three others in her group begin to set up the experiment.  Julia needs to be cued to look at their solution.  Julia is asked about the experiment and she answers with something about Harry Potter.  Ms. H is not able to get her on task -- she interrupts Julia over and over.  I finally ask Julia what she is doing and for a moment she focuses on the experiment.  Later, she shouts out about Harry Potter world when asked about the experiment.  

I wonder what the optimal amount of time that Julia can concentrate on anything she is not interested in.  Obviously, filtering a solution is of little interest to her.  But she is not disruptive with disinterest.  Ms. H asks her to put the gram pieces in order and she an engage in that with help.  She needs help being a participant.  Her group cues and asks her multiple times.  She responds.

Julia needs to be pushed and prodded to move along.  She doesn’t understand what is going on and her distraction increases.  However, looking around the room, there is probably a good quarter of the class that is not engaged but they are socializing generalizing, not perseverating on their hands.   By the end of the class, Julia is turned away from the teacher and the board where the lesson is focuses.  Ms. H physically refocuses her and then asks her to leave the room to wash her hands.  I am not sure whether the hand washing is because her hands are dirty or to try to refocus her, either way, she needs to be closely directed to do this.  

Strings: Julia has trouble getting downstairs.  Well, she gets down to the basement but wants to wait to go into the music room instead of going to the strings room.  She insists to me that it is music where she belongs until Victoria, her aide for strings, comes to get her.  She is very distracted as she gets her cello from the shelves, gets to her seat and opens her cello.  She needs a lot of direction.  Once the cello is out, Victoria reviews finger positions with Julia while the rest of the class gets settled.  Julia does fine with this but balks when she is asked to go to the teacher to be tuned.  She does it and is the last person tuned in class.

The music teacher asks to turn to page 12 and Julia has a hard time complying.  She says she is a bad girl and stupid.  She is getting loud and shouting out.  This feels like an escalation from science class.  Page 12 is way to hard for Julia.  Admittedly we started later than the other kids.  Julia was not bringing home assignments because she doesn’t being home assignments and I was waiting for direction.  We really just got started with the book this week.  We are on pages 6-7.  Most of the kids are doing page 12 pretty well.  Obviously this is a group that practices.  Julia has settled down and is working on the measured assigned.  She stops to work on the exercise that Martha (her cello teacher) assigned yesterday.   Victoria is trying to explain something in terms of dinosaur claws, Julia will not accept what Victoria says.  Instead, 

The class is stretching, Julia cannot put her cello down and then doesn’t want to do the exercises.  This is exactly what she needs!  She talks out and makes noises instead of of moving.  No one tries to make her do the exercises.  I don’t blame them.  Julia rather talk out than follow directions.  This is behavior that drives me crazy.  

When it is time to play the cello, Julia tries to do what the class does.  The two lines of music are too hard for Julia to do slowly, quickly is impossible.  Julia also does not understand connecting the measures yet.  And yet, she tries with lots of help from Victoria.  

When the class switches activities and works on bow hold with a pencil, Julia is resistant, goes back to making noises.  After Victoria talks and talks to her, Julia is able to  approximate the hold and does what she is asked.  Julia notices a rash on her teacher’s skin and perseverates on that.  Much of what she is doing in strings is directly opposite what her private cello teacher is telling her to do.  This might be a problem for a typical child, for Julia I may be asking too much.  Julia is supposed to be doing bow activities, instead she talks and talks about Harry Potter until Victoria becomes cross.  The class is pretty loosely run and Julia seems to need more and more direction.  

Using bow: 4, 5, 6,7 and the halloween song

I spent part of the art period talking to Ms. H, Julia’s SE teacher.  I asked about SE theory.  Should we be pressing Julia to extend her own skills or give her the broad range of exposure that typical students get.  Ms. H is of the opinion that Julia needs the social piece of school so much that even if we could put more into her head by working more intensely academically that i would not serve her well in the long run.  Likewise, she opined that Julia would do best in the middle school where most of the kids in her class go so that she will not have to begin all over again socially in sixth grade.   

Art:  Julia is focused and almost does what her teacher wants before she is asked.  She takes suggestions and then goes beyond directions.  She is working with clay.

During cleanup, Julia bossed her friend Amanda to do a better (harder) job cleaning the table.  There will come a time when Julia will have to learn kindness and gentleness with her friends.  Katie, the art teacher, lets Julia walk around the room as other kids are made to sit on the rug.  I know that Julia is listening but she is being kind of spoiled here.  When she goes to sit down, she sits in front close to the teacher.  

After lunch, Julia is supposed to be with one of her aides, S, for reading.  They are working on compression which Julia sorely needs.  Julia would rather be working in the classroom on typing pal.  She offers a bit of resistance but complies relatively quickly.  

S begins by giving Julia some vocab words.  Today, words that end in -tion.  S explains term to Julia -- right now, irrigation -- much like I do at home.  S asks Julia to sum up the  the “story so far.”   S is also working on idioms and expressions --  “healthy as an ox.”  Julia is missing so many expressions that kids who are 12 have already picked up.  S has Julia re-read something she read yesterday.  She questions her constantly, pressing Julia to explain words and concepts and story development.  I do this at times and have wondered if it helped.  When S does it, it makes so much sense that this is good for Julia.  

There are two periods of recess during the school day and for the second one, Julia is not at all happy going outside.  She is less social this time although interestingly there are a few kids who come up to her and try to draw her into their groups.  

After recess, Ms. H uses a very easy book to work on writing with Julia.  I think Julia is filling out a review sheet on the story.  She erases a lot which takes way too much time.  Ms. H puts a 10 on top of the page for Julia to track her erasing.  Gosh, I wish I could think of something else to draw her out of her compulsions.  Julia doesn’t need someone to keep her on task but to keep her from  spending her time erasing and redoing.

Something interesting: in the past Julia could be very sensitive whenever someone touched her.  She could whine or yell or do something physical back.  Julia’s desk is next to a boy’s and when the boy closed his desk top and grazed Julia’s elbow, she didn’t say a thing.  I know that she can still do her old behavior at times, but there was a time when it was always.

Reading aloud:  Julia is allowed to draw while Ms. K reads aloud.  Amanda comes over to sit next to Julia to use Julia’s markers.  Julia puts them between herself and Amanda and does not keep any track of what Amanda is using.  

The day is crisp, cool, green and blue and full of energy.  I’ve had good clothes on all day and so not doing any gardening.  And I need to get into the garden.  Julia is finished with therapy at 5:30.  We could go home and instead of rushing to get dinner ready, I could change and dig and allow Julia to hunt for bugs.

Ah, and bugs.  When Julia got into the car . . . before bugs . . . Yesterday, when I went to pick Julia up from school, she ran out of the building by herself!  It was the first time that she came out without an aide.  How to explain the small victory, forward movement.  Because transitions are such a challenge for Julia, leaving school could be just as difficult a transition as trying to get her to stop drawing.  For years, she has been the last kid out of school, sometimes with coat half on, or back pack half packed with her adult trailing after her with full hands or almost dragging her out of the building.  She rarely would say hello to me when I was meeting her and would refuse to say good-bye to the faithful grown up who had delivered her to me.  So, some of the challenge was transitioning and some of it was the shutting down that transitioning could bring.  The long term plan was to fade the grown up help so that she could leave independently like all the other kids, but I didn’t see it coming so soon.  Yesterday was the first time she came running out of the building, looking like every other 5th grader.  And today, she was very much disappointed because I picked her up again and she didn’t get the chance to run to the bus by herself.  Run to the bus by herself!!!

And the bugs . . . so, when Julia got in to the car, she told me she had been catching bugs and wanted to add them to her bug collection.  I asked where she was keeping them right now and she said in her jeans pocket.  Umm, well, they can’t be alive, I told her.  This was not good news and when I checked them out, it was clear that none of them were moving.  She was disappointed and decided that she had to figure out how to bring them home alive.  

What an interesting child.

I went to a Family Navigator meeting today and felt my usual lost, confused, ineffective, and just plain stupid since this was my first meeting of a project that has been discussed for months but is still in the formation process.  My task through that meeting was to breathe!  And to let it happen.  To remember that I am the student here.  No one expects me to lead here.  And I don’t have to lead here.  Reading this over . . . well, duh.  But this is my underlying processing.  To be competent, to be successful, I have to eventually lead.  And, wow, that is crazy.  

So, I put myself in these places where there is no way that I will ever lead in order to learn things that there is no other way for me to learn, and then I ensure that the experience will make me feel badly because I define success only as leading.  There may also be a reverse that is operating -- when I am in a place where I will become the natural leader, I do not value the experience because it is too easy.  So, I cannot help but fail if I intend to lead the Family Navigator project and I give myself no credit for working to launch the Special Ed PEG group because of course, I am the natural leader on that one.  

Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance.  Just who and what I am.  

I am studying on line for Safety and Infection Control Clinical for non-employee students and non-UWHC employees Exam that I need to work in the clinic.  It is not a big deal and I reviewed the material and took the “exam” last year.  I am not sure what I thought about it last year.  This year, I see all of the ways that David’s final sepsis was almost inevitable with his compromised immune system and ineffective gal bladder.  There is so much here that I don’t mean to infer -- no blame, no caregiver bringing in infection, not even our own unintentional load of bacteria, etc, coming into his hospital room.  But @#$## (much more fun than writing out a curse word and I don’t even know what curse to use), I read this stuff and wonder at how slim his chance were.  How much so much was dependent on a string of miracles.  How many miracles we experienced but how many more were absolutely necessary.  And we did not know that.  We thought it was all science.

It was so much more.

And there are so many miracles that touch me and my loved ones every day.

I marvel at spirit.  I look up in wonder.

I just wrote a very long email to Julia’s teachers about Julia’s first writing assignment.  The writing was a summary of the first chapter of Gregor the Overlander, a fantasy book that is closer to Julia’s reading level than some of the other big books she is reading.  We are reading this book together so that she can do some writing and so that I find would what she is understanding in these chapter books.  Again and again, I realize that I never questioned what Cheshire understood in any book that she read after the easiest picture books we read together.  

Anyway, the email asked for writing goals for Julia’s homework, about the methods that I used to work with her and about asking for input about working with Julia at home.  For a long time, just getting her to sit down, focus for some time, accomplish simple academic tasks has been the major goals.  Julia is able to do more than that now and I do need help shifting my focus to the academic goals.

My email was many times longer than Julia’s assignment.  Readers eyes may roll to the backs of heads, and I will not be offended in the least.  I did omit -- hard to believe I omitted anything -- the yelling and frustration and brow beating that went on two nights ago.  Julia is not easy to work with, and I continually need to grow more patience.

And right now, in the time that it took to write these few paragraphs and roam the house a bit, her speech therapist at school replied, adding her comments.  Whew, I feel more productive, less compulsive.

The day began with thunder -- gentle rolling, not huge cracks -- and rain.  Rain!  We have needed it for days and days.  I am very much aware of it because I’ve been working my garden beds and I’ve had to water every day, sometimes twice to keep newly transplanted plants from death.  I tried to wait until it was cool to dismantle and reform two of my beds and to transplant divided perennials around in the back garden, but we’ve had a rather nasty heat wave the past few days and I had no choice but to water.  

I watered enough to decide to buy a new hose -- a good hose this time, even though my old hoses, migrated from Indianapolis and were well used there as well.  The old hoses had been doctored and patched but were springing more leaks, more often.  So, it was time.  

And more on the watering of gardens: I have a favorite sprayer that I’ve also had for years which is working very well on the new hose after I put a little washer into to attachment portion.  I also had a favorite sprinkler.  Again, a relic from Indy, so at least 10 years old, maybe more.  It allowed me to manipulate the shape of the area watered and how far the spray would go.  When I was watering on Tuesday, the kids from a few houses down, the same kids who played so nicely with Julia the other day, were running through my sprinkler.  I did not mind and they were staying more on the side walk than on the lawn and there was a mom watching them, so what harm?  I went inside to get dinner on the table and after a few minutes, I heard the water hitting the front windows and screams and screeches from the kids.  I went to my front door, got a splash of water in my face -- the whole water on the window and then on my face was shocking since my favorite sprinkler was not set to do those things -- and then went to the back door and turned off the water, thinking that the kids had just moved the sprinkler and that I would put it to rights right after we ate.  When I came out after dinner, I discovered that someone has probably stepped on the sprinkler and broke it.  

And so, my thought process went like this.  My favorite sprinkler!!!  How could they do this?  Why did I let those kids run in my water?  Why didn’t the mom warn them away from the sprinkler or at least tell me that it was stepped on?  And then, a bit of outrage about how she could not make a point of telling me that they broke it and wondering whether I should march over to her house and  . . .  But then, you know, it is a 10 year old sprinkler and those two kids played with Julia the other day so very well.  Better than any other kids in this neighborhood have ever played with her (a good deal of that is about Julia being ready to play and so was attentive to those kids.).  Ok, I am still mourning the sprinkler -- My local Builders Square has nothing remotely like it.  I have two other stores to look in and then I am going online.  

Will I say anything to the mom?  I don’t know.  Probably not, unless she brings it up.  Perhaps if she sees another sprinkler there she will notice.  Perhaps I will not need to water for another week and she will forget all about it.  Unfortunately, I will not let any other kids play in my sprinkler unless Julia is part of the group and I am watching and warning.  

For all the drama, for all my drama, the small purple smoke bush and the tall and light grass that are new and newly planted are surviving the heat and enjoying the rain today.    And I can see, in my mind’s eye, how lovely they will look next year.

Last meditation class on Tuesday.  I’ve learned a good deal in the last 8 weeks, much of the time it was putting names to practices that I had used previously or stumbled upon in another life.  Not that I was doing most of the practices in the most advantageous manner -- trying to stay away from saying that I did them incorrectly or, worse yet, wrong.  This was an experience of deepening and lessons.  I learned that I really want to have a meditation community and want to continue learning.  I learned how good it feels to take my inclinations seriously.  Following bliss  and all that is just as good as it is billed to be.  I might excuse myself for not always following my “bliss,” citing practical reasons of middle class living and “blaming” David, as if he would have rolled his eyes and disapproved of this kind of bliss.  Possibly, maybe even probably, his eyes would have rolled, but I could have insisted.  Surely, it would have not been the first thing I insisted upon and which later he would have embraced enthusiastically.  For so many things that was out pattern.  What would it be like to live with someone who brought the “crazy” ideas home? 

For a meditation group, there are a plethora of groups in town -- this is Madison after all -- that I could join or casually drop in on.  I can begin with the three groups that are held at FUS, two of which are taught be people that I know from Quest.  I will need to find childcare no matter when I begin -- it does  seem that most meditation groups meet in the evening or so early in the morning that it would conflict with Julia getting on the school bus.  

Yesterday morning, I went to a Japanese Crane meditation group right after Julia got on the bus.  I’ve been doing this form of Chi Gong for more than a year now -- a noon time group at FUS.  That group only meets during the school year and this early morning meeting during the summer and is a combination of two groups that meet at church.  I’ve asked if I can bring Julia next week . I have the group’s approval, but I still have to get Julia up and out of the house by 7:30.  

Julia may or may not be reacting to all the transitions that are upcoming.  She does not acknowledge all of it.  Today is the last day of school and she is excited for summer.  She has not talked about leaving her teacher of two years or the everyday therapists who have done her  intensive therapy which ends at the end of June.  One of our therapists has already left and Julia avoided any good-bye.  She may be doing this intentionally or she may not understand a thing.  It is about time and there are still gaps in her understanding about time.

Sometimes she recedes into her own world which she is faced with concepts that she does not understand.  She can be reached by asking her again and again to re-join our reality, but she usually answers in a perfunctory manner and very much off topic.

Then sometimes she is spot on clear.  The other night, just before dinner, she fooled around when I asked her to put on shoes so that we could walk the dog.  I asked her a few times.  I was in the kitchen and she was in the living room.  I warned her that if I came into the living room and caught her not putting on her shoes there would be consequences.  I got a lot of “yes, mom’s” from her.  I went in, she was reading without her shoes on.  She lost dinner immediately and went straight to bed.  She first refused to do it, but I marched her upstairs and she was able to do as I asked.  She was teary when we talked about it once she was tucked up in bed.  I gave her hugs and kisses in bed, but there was no consequence change happening.  The spot on clear moment was when she asked me if I liked her and if I was going to send her back to China.  She was so (insert appropriate swear word for emphasis) clear.  I had an open channel to her mind at that moment, no confusion, no need to redirect, no need for an aide to interpret directions.  Oh, if only I could reach inside that child and put that spot on clarity front and center. 

She is still such a mystery at times.  

This morning, the last day of school, was the school talent show.  Many of the classes work on a dance to perform for the whole school and a smattering of parents crowded in the back of the cafeteria.  Julia did not make it onto the stage with her class in third grade and was not a full participant last year, but today, it was incredible!  She was enthusiastic and very present.  She kept up with her class.  She was not perfect but she was not the only one.  And she was focused.  To watch her today is to know her potential.  To know that she will do art.  To know that she will have a life with some or all of the pleasures and pain that we all have.  

Such hope from a lip sink dance performance.  

So I’ve taken time to write this morning.

Sitting in Barrique’s waiting for a FUS friend to start camp activity planning.  I am incredibly early and have work that I can do, including this writing which I have not been thinking of as work.  The cafe is crowded but there are plenty of people sitting and typing at laptops, so I have no worry about taking up space for too long a time.  Than, who walks in to meet someone but my big hero and admitted crush.  Yes, I am finally admitting to this crush.  I am on the other side of the room and so cannot eavesdrop or even watch him without moving (which I will not do).  This is not a stomach churning crush -- when will I have one of those again?  It would probably be very healthy to have,  but thinking of  some man as interesting, smart and someone I would love to get to know is not a bad start.  This I say because truthfully, I have not had even a passing interest intellectual or otherwise in the last three years in a man.   Truth be told, I would rather that this crush was my teacher than a Saturday night date, but if I can long for a teacher, maybe a date is not far behind.

Oh, interest in the opposite sex is more than crazy at my age.  Possibly at any age, but youthful libido helped immensely with finding a partner or pursuing a social life.  

Could I write my novel sitting in cafes?  Is it a novel that I could be writing.  Something else?  

I am ready for school to be over for the year and for summer to begin.  I have some ambivalence about vacationing in August but I am ready for days at the pool and slow mornings.

Last night, Julia and I sat down to do a pretty formal family tree.  Once again, I gritted my teeth.  This is a tree that has no room for the people in our lives, only for the genetic ancestors of David and myself.  There is no space for other children or sibling, let alone our beloved friends who are more family than those who are genetically linked.  At times, it seems like family ancestry is another “R” and required labor each and every school year so that a child who does not know their formal “family” will never be allowed to forget the fact.

However, Julia took on the challenge with gusto, prodding me about the spelling and pronunciation of each name.  She took in the Sarvetnick’s and the Zlobicki’s and the Batt’s and Krauchuk’s and the Levine’s and the Reszitnyk’s never once complaining about long, impossible to spell names.  These are her family names and although I might be reading into her steadfast application to the task, I felt her respect, as if she would have no problem setting up an ancestor shrine like the one in the movie Mulan, especially if she could put in a little dragon or dinosaur.  I asked her and she had no trouble agreeing to put the names “China Mother” and “China Father” next to David’s and my name but my heart hurts for the other family who will never have the gift of Julia’s honor and respect.  And it is something that is not within my power to give her.

I send them my grateful heart for my Julia, but I do wish that we could take them into our family.

I had my second MBSR (Meditation Based Stress Reduction) class today.  I was a very bad student all this past week.  I did not read the suggested reading, did not fill in my meditation log and did not even do the informal practice that I had been assigned.  I have been unwilling to fully enter into this experience even thought I committed to it after so much considering and deliberating.  I should not punish myself or feel guilty -- that is so much against what they are trying to teach me.  I should not even regret.  Instead, I should be returning to my commitment anew again and again.  Perhaps this considering and re-dedication is my first informal practice.

This school year is winding down for me.  I have another two assignments to finish, but little else.  Nothing is settled for next semester and at present, I feel only the need for some space and time.  I need vacation.  It is not that the work is so much stress and strain but that I am still cannot see how doing what I am doing now will lead me to what I want to do.  Whenever I go down that road of thinking, I think that I must be judged incredibly foolish to go begging for work that is only a dream in a place that wants evidence based practice and lettered leaders.  But fortunately the MBSR word of the week is “non-striving” and if I use it as a guide, I should be drawn back into the present and follow what my heart knows is correct and appropriate.  This is not easy for me.  My mind darts to future and past; how difficult to sit in the present.  How difficult to wait and trust that what is to come will unfold in its own time, not in mine.  

One of the final tasks of the year is to chart my progress through the goals that I set in my Individualized Leadership Development Plan.  I cannot make myself sit with it long enough to do another edit -- I am not sure that what I have done is directly related to my proposed goals and I have no clear vision of what I will take on next year and how it will move my toward my large goals.  And I wonder how much this paragraph related to the last?  It is not that I am unwilling or unable to work hard.  I am impatient to know what to do and how it will relate to larger goals, but I do seem to be mired in the present and assigned to let what is to come unfold without foreknowledge. 

I feel like that there is an answer here that blows past me.  I am not very good at hints and clues.

On the gardening front, which is still pretty bare, we have our first open daffodil.  Neighbors have more, but we seem to be on a "cold" corner.  One daffodil!  It does not satisfy me in the least but there again, more unfolding that is out of my control.

Yesterday, Julia’s class was going to see the Chinese Acrobats at the Overture Center.  This was a big class trip and Julia wanted to wear a dress to school.  We decided on the  dress that Cheshire gave her for Christmas that Julia had not worn yet because it is not really a Wisconsin winter dress, but the day was going to be in the balmy 30’s and she had a pair of heavy tights that would look ok with the dress.  However, after she got dressed, she started scratching between her legs.  She doesn’t do this when she is wearing jeans and she has not done this with other dresses and tights.   I told her a few times that she couldn’t do that when she was wearing a dress but it didn’t stop her.  Finally, just before she left, I made her put on jeans and a sweater.  It was okay and she caught the bus, but it was another sad and frustrating time for me.

And of course, it is all me.  Not her at all.

Julia looked like she is “growing up” in that dress.  It is a very appropriate tween dress and she looked like the 12 that she is.  She looked good and appropriate, of course, pretty, and I guess I took a little pride in how she looked.  I was much more disappointed than she was when she took it off.  

And it was another reminder that we can never slide into any next step.  I will figure out how she can wear that dress.  Perhaps with leggings instead of tights, or more as a tunic than a dress with pants -- I just can’t assume that she can or that she even wants to behave in a way that society expects.  She can be coached somewhat, she can be trained against the worst missteps, but she will not just assume . . . . I don’t have the word.  Julia does not imagine herself grown up the way that typically developing kids do.  She does not play at grown up, she does not pretend she is a doctor or princess or dinosaur keeper.  And so, she has no experience to inform her, no observations to hint.  She does not create her world -- both real and imaginary -- it needs to be created for her.  I am the world creator and I must create and then protect.

She is, however, learning to wash her own hair in the bath tub.  I expect that with more careful instruction she will be able to do it in another few months.  

Each week Julia must write a "perfect paragraph" for her literature class.  It is called "perfect" because they are suppose to do a draft, some editing and then write it without mistakes.  This week's topic is about the first time that she did something.  The example of a "first time" was the story of Jackie Robinson playing major league baseball.  Julia understood enough of the story to believe that she should be writing about something important and not merely something like learning to ride her bike.  (I thought bike riding was very appropriate.)  We brainstormed on paper yesterday before Michelle, her therapist came over.  They wrote a first draft together and today she worked on her editing.

This is what she came up with:

Perfect paragraph 2/4/13
Getting a New Family

When I was five years old, I was getting a family for the first time. I was so scared because I didn't want to be with mommy and daddy and Cheshire. I was so sad  because I did not want to leave China. I was squirming on the floor. Mommy and daddy picked me up, and they took me home. They gave me my own bed, and it was cozy.  I sat with my daddy, and mommy carried me around. I felt a little happy. It felt good to put a necklace on my teddy bear. My teddy bear looked cute. My favorite memory of coming home was when I was swimming without a bathing suit and just floaties on to help me not to sink. That's what I felt when I was getting a family, and now we will live in Madison, Wisconsin forever. 

Julia's behavior in school today was not so good.  In social studies, the class is learning to read nonfiction.  They are being taught to check maps, time lines, emphasized words, etc.  Julia is not valuing this instruction and is not listening to directions.  The unfortunate thing is that she likes nonfiction and likes that they are studying Native Americans.  I have no idea of how to explain how valuable this kind of lesson is.  I am sure she is not the only kid who thinks that her lesson is "boring" but she may be the only one to say that out loud.  

On Facebook this past weekend, I let Julia watch a video posted by the mom of one of the kid from Julia's orphanage.  C was a baby when Julia left, and when she first came home, Julia called C her baby when we saw her pictures.  But we never saw the video of when C met her parents.  Julia wanted to watch it and I saw no reason to stop her.  What we saw was Mr. Xiao, the director of the orphanage, sitting next to C, wiping her nose, pointing out her mommy and daddy and sister, all in a relaxed, comfortable manner.  This was nothing like the tight lipped, silent man that we met in August 2006.  My memory of him is pretty bleak.  He was not comfortable with, kind to or loving to Julia.  At one point, he pushed her with a few fingers towards us and said "mama" and "baba" in a gruff voice.  My heart sank when I saw that video.  I know that Julia was not treated well at her orphanage but seeing him kind to another child was too much for me.  Julia recognized Mr. Xiao and the ayias that were with C.  When the video was over, Julia said quietly, "Mr. Xiao didn't like me."  I could think of nothing else to do but scoop her up in my arms and tell her how much I liked her!

Julia seems to be figuring out more multiplication facts.  Her 2's and 3's.  Part of me wants to make sure she understand the theory behind those facts, but then I knew that there are plenty of kids who learn the facts and only later understand the theory.  I can let her do the same thing.

I feel like she is pushing into late second or beginning third grade.

And slowly, she is learning to wash her hair when she takes a bath.

Oh the other hand, when I went out on Saturday evening, she found time to peel her heal a bit.  I don't know whether she stopped by herself or her caregiver caught her and stopped her.  (I have to ask)  The reason to wonder is that although she peeled, it was just a little bit and she stopped long before it would have bled.  So, could be a bit of progress.

Snow today, enough to close schools in the regions but not ours.  Which is fine.  As long as there is no closing midday.  The snow is wet and the flakes are big, at least right now.  I ponder whether to shovel now before going to Waisman. This is the time of year when I wonder why I, or anyone for that matter, lives here!  I am not snow adverse but it does seem to last forever in Wisconsin.  Count my blessings time, obviously, and remember how wonderful this town really is.

Julia and I “played” money last night after supper at her request.  We took out the big plastic container of coins, sorted some change and played store.  We took turns putting prices on little erasers and challenged each other to pull that much money out of our coin piles.  $.44, $.78, $1.35.  It is still a challenge for Julia but she now understands what she is doing and why.  We will work with money this summer a lot.

Julia’s heel is finally beginning to heal.  A local pharmacy recommended a very heavy moisturizer -- something that almost needs to be put on with a spatula -- and we’ve been using it twice a day.  This is no miracle cure,  but it is mighty hard to peel the skin off her heel when her nails are cut short and her foot is slathered with greasy cream.

Julia’s compliance factor has been edging up since last week.  We hit a low maybe two weeks ago and I was really praying for change without needing some drastic change in meds.  I really noticed the change towards compliance the last two days when she almost willingly woke up for school.  She is still in my bed at night (for healing purposes) and so her alarm clock does not work.  But we’ve had two passable morning risings this week and I am pleased.

In math, triple digit addition and subtraction, with carrying over and borrowing.  Some of the theory is understood and although scaffolding is still necessary, she is beginning to get it.

Now, the snow and the shovel!

1 December 2012

Mid-air heading east & DC

Traveling to DC to attend the AUCD Conference.  Two planes, an afternoon and most of an evening’s travel.  I sit and read the Richie Davidson book that I’ve been carrying around since the summer.  I take his 6 true and false tests about assessing emotional style.  At this moment, I wonder what my style would have looked like last year or the year before that.  The statement that stops me cold is “I expect that the next ten years will be better than the last ten years.”  I think I have always been able to answer “true” to that one.  I really can’t right now.  I’ve grown in resilience and regained some optimism.  I have some reasons and objectives and goals, but I cannot help but miss joy and the awareness of being the beloved.

Still, the switch that was thrown a few days before July 5th remains firmly in place.  I assess as resilient and focused, at least by my own appraisal.  And I am.  

Nice hotel -- Hilton in DC but I don’t know this town at all and I am scheduled almost every minute of my stay.  Tonight’s after-flight dinner and perhaps tonight after 8 are what I have free.  Two lunch times are taken, and if, perchance I really do network, I could fill more.  Right now, I feel a bit of a whine coming on about a full dance card but I know that busy and time filled is where my comfort zone is strongest.  And the fullness is my choice of exciting options.  

They don’t take credit card in cabs.  I have a map.  Maybe I’ll do the run/walk -- and you know where I will be -- tomorrow morning just to see the neighborhood.  The physical activity wouldn’t hurt me any.  Needing very hard to be back to activity.  I brought sweats and sneaker thinking this might be the time.  

Cable tv in the room and after surfing for 20 minutes, I have no regrets of living without it at home.  My junky tv comes in on Netflix and Hulu.  It’s all I need.  There is so much noise on tv.

Bedding down and sleeping without a thought to who is sleeping in the next room.  Funny how it is like turning off a light somewhere in the house.

Yet again, I am caught up in started posts that I leave for “later.”  One for each of the last three days.  And now it is day four.  Travel and then immediate immersion into my quickening currents have left me yearning for some good escapism after Julia goes to bed.  Added to that, my four-day excursion to the AUCD conference next week has bee making lists and not wanting to admit that I am really going away for that long.

So, I am giving myself this hour to get something down.  I’ll use snippets of what has already been written.  I have a whole bunch of Julia things to write about and a whole bunch that I should have made note of.

I have a conference this afternoon with the Julia’s teachers -- the newish long-term sub who is not a special ed teacher and her special ed teacher from the last two years.  I am hoping that we can work out a plan for what and how Julia will learn until the new special ed teacher starts at the very end of January.  Although I felt that I needed a lot of guidance during the past few weeks, after working with Julia every day last week, I have a handle on what I’d like her to learn.  In math, adding three single digit numbers, adding double digit numbers, carrying over when adding double digit numbers, and the explanation for multiplication.  From the math sheets that Julia has been bringing home, only the multiplication concept has been touched on in school.  Julia has brought home sheets that are too easy or much too hard for her.  I need that to stop.  I stridently wanted that to stop while we were in Maryland, I can breathe into it today.

If the teachers have other ideas, I can embrace them.  As long as they are moving Julia forward and challenging her in such a way that allows for some success.  The too-hard sheets that present a dozen different problems do not reinforce any concepts and Julia learns nothing from the scatter-shot method.

Yes, I know.  I am the mother from hell.  What I see is that Julia is still in a very good place to learn.  She still asks to do math games or reading comprehension exercises as rewards.  This balance might tip when she hits puberty - anyway, that’s what I’ve heard.  That day is coming and coming soon.  I can’t afford to ease up on the learning.

In Maryland, Julia and I walked Lisa’s labyrinth most days.  It was not a pure meditative experience, with Julia chattering constantly and calling for my attention to the latest discovered bug or leaf or pile of deer poop.  A few times she jumped the paths to catch up with me when she slowed down to check out a discovery but most of the time she carefully followed the paths and me.

Every time that we walked Julia gathered cattails, and when we were finished with the labyrinth, we’d walk over to the bamboo grove where David’s ashes are buried.  Julia “planted” the cattails in front of the grove and talked about Daddy.  When we walked on she made a point of saying that we were leaving Daddy there and we would visit again.  I had no idea that she remembered about the rather casual laying of the ashes that we did last year, but Lisa did do a bit of speaking when we did it, and Julia listens.  

On Thanksgiving, we went out with Nick to pick some dried flowers and greens to put in vases for the table.  When I finished gathering what I wanted to use, Julia wanted to cut some bamboo shoots.  She was very bossy directing Nick to go with her to the bamboo grove.  Nick complied and it was very sweet to see the two of them feeling so comfortable together.  It strikes me that Julia demands relationship.  She knows what she wants and she is not shy about asking for it.

When we were on our way home on Sunday morning, Julia told me that it hurt to miss Cheshire, Lisa and Nick.  I agreed with her and she went on to something else.  I wondered if she could go beyond that thought but did not push her.  Tonight, with a therapist, she asked me if she could call Cheshire.  (They are working on phone calls.)  I haven’t heard what she will say -- they rehearse phone calls and also messages.  She doesn’t always have the words to move beyond initial thoughts or feelings, but not long ago there were no initial thoughts.

I’ve been noticing these days that Julia is looking into my eyes more often when she speaks to me.  It is usually when she initiates the conversation and then it is about something that interests her or some demand or desire, like noodles for supper.  Therapists and teachers still have to ask for eye contact.  I hope for generalization.

This morning waiting for the school bus, Julia got in the face of some of the neighbor kids and wanted to talk to them.  She gets too close, she doesn’t provide context, but she insists on conversation.  At least, until the other kid asks her a question in return.  She comes off as a social bull in a china shop, but again progress and a new awareness of a big world.

I was talking to Julia’s very wonderful speech therapist the other day while her student was doing therapy with Julia.  Linda is aggressive and demanding.  She has pushed Julia, constantly setting goals just beyond her reach.  She suggests exercises, ways of talking to Julia, ways of reading with her that get to the heart of Julia’s challenges.  And yet, today, as we were talking about Julia’s memory and the holes that we both see, I told her about what is referred to in the adoption community as “Teflon memory” (or is it Teflon Brain?) -- kids who learn and forget, kids who cannot seem to keep what they have learned.  I’ve heard it connected with attachment or trauma.  Linda had never heard of anything like that.  

Now, possibly what I am talking about is an urban legend among us adoptive moms, but what struck me, what sent a rather cold chill down my back was that maybe I knew something, maybe a whole bunch of somethings that the professionals individually don’t know.  Yes, I’ve known this all along, but some of the sacredness of the trust that I hold struck me straight on today.  Maybe it hit me because Lisa asked me how much of Julia’s needs I’ve written down, ‘just in case.’  Maybe it was today because Linda is so very knowledgable about many speech/communication topics and it is the first time that I’ve come up with something she didn’t know.  

I had a meeting with my spiritual advisor, Ellen, and the topic of conversation and healing was my “genius.”  Genius in quotes because . . . well, because I don’t think that I am in any way a genius, but rather that there is specific work that my soul is here to do and I am compelled to do that work in the best way that I can.  So, why haven’t I been doing or pursuing that “work” for the past 50 years or so -- 50 years gives me a few years cushion to be a kid and grow up some.  What has held me back from this work?  Why have I waited to long to begin? Another well . . . some early training, some lacks in my life, some gathering of love and strength and nerve, some fears held over earlier times, and the need for a lot of training.  There have been times when I could have chosen other paths that might have led me to the one that I am on in a more direct way but I may have needed the learning that I’ve gathered at an unusually slow pace.  Possibly I have had opportunities (which I did not take) to remind some part of me that there was some path, to make sure that the thought of this path was deep inside and growing a strong root.  Oy! Garden metaphors!  Do I have a strong anything?!

Someone in my chalice group replied to my description of my LEND experience as a “trainee,” wondering if I wasn’t too old to still be called a trainee.  My peers are imagining retirement; I envision new working ventures.  When I think about it -- “it” being my current state of student-ship -- objectively, I nod my head vigorously.  My sister and brother-in-law did all the training, working and raising up kids at the standard times and are now enjoying retirement.  When I look at my situation from her eyes, I raise my eyebrows and imagine her saying, “Suzanne must be nuts!”  I have to agree with all of them, and then add my “but’s.” 

But I have the itch to see this through.  But I have ideas -- almost new ideas that others are not pursuing.  But I don’t have to make a living right now and I have been offered opportunities.  But I am not ready to give up an ambition to do.  But I promised myself to live full out and these ideas appear to be a part of that.

And that is my rational for pursuing my genius.

It came to me one morning waking up in Maryland that I want to try my hand once again at fiction.  There is an old story that I spent much time on which seems to have fleshed itself out in some corner of my brain without any effort on my own.  This in itself might be the reason that I have not pushed myself to write here.  I can almost hear David rolling over and groaning -- of course, because he has no grave, I am having a hard time visualizing the rolling and groaning of ashes.  There is a pull, not that the pull has been absent at other times.  I would add that it is different this time, but I probably could have said the same thing any number of times.

I was reading a friend’s blog, another adoptive mom who creates beautiful art pieces.  She writes in complete small stories carefully crafted.  Crystal life slices.  Reading this ramble over and aware of my own perchance of barely making sure that most words are spelled correctly, I am somewhat shame-faced about my inability to crystalize anything.  I don’t mean that I intend to change.  Why don’t I feel the need for that sort of perfection here?  

20 November 2012

We are two full days into Maryland by now.  Julia and I are alone in Lisa and Nick’s house this morning while they work.  We have a dog and a few cats watching over us, but we sit on the living room couch doing our morning planned work -- word problems and addition with carry-over numbers for math, a worksheet packet of reading and comprehension activities (The lion and the mouse -- a real favorite of mine!), an online puzzle, two conversations from Conversation Builder (an iPad app), and some questions/answers from another app.  We are working about an hour and a half.  Julia is not complaining at all.  In fact, she goes willingly from activity to activity, checking each one off on her  I don’t expect we will work on Thursday and possibly not after that until we get on the plane.  

Julia has rediscovered marble run here.  We have a set at home that she rarely touches but she loves it here.  She does have a bigger audience to help with and admire the work.  And she loves that bigger audience.  Sarah Grace has at least two or three teenaged friends around her at all times.  These are great kids and they dote on Julia often.  They took her into the back “shed” (quotes around that because there is heat and light in the oversized outbuilding) to play pool yesterday and she loved it.  They engage Julia in conversation and they never hesitate to listen and also to make sure she says hello and good-bye whenever they come and go.  And they come and go a lot!  

On Sunday, we went to church a lot!  I was like a Baptist church lady!   Lisa is the minister at the local UU church and I have always enjoyed watching her work.  Now that I am a UU, the work is more meaningful to me.  Her church is small enough to have a single Sunday service and because I usually go to service when I visit, the same people see me/us at least once a year.  We went to morning service, then a discussion on understanding by rephrasing the seven UU principles, then home for a bit, then a back to church for an evening worship the strives to have congregants participate in the service.  I must be becoming religious in my own way.  I enjoyed it all.

Linette, thanks for the book suggestion.  I did some of that sort of reading a few years ago before Julia learned to read and a tiny bit about number awareness.  Getting some understanding of the “why” of math operations is an excellent idea.

17 November 2012

Julia and I are on a very crowded plane winging towards Baltimore.  Babies are crying, my carry on bag no long fits comfortably in the overhead bin, the  pretzels are so small that I wouldn’t give them to a toddler for fear of choking, and the leg room -- well, I’ve never been happier to be a mere 5’5”.    We are traveling Southwest and the upside is price.  The only upside is price.  I am grateful that I can afford to go to the east coast three times in as many months (wedding, thanksgiving, christmas) but  . . . my thoughts are not very grateful.

Julia is missing two and a half days of school next week, so I asked that work be sent home.  What came home was disappointing.  Two books with questions written by the sub, not her reading aide.  The person who she usually reads with picks challenging books and writes good questions on sticky notes for Julia to answer as she reads each page.  The sub sent two books that are way below Julia’s reading level and wrote the most obvious questions.  We just went through one book in about 15 minutes.  The math sheets sent home are no better -- although some are too hard.   Yes, this woman is trying her best.  I do not doubt that.  And we are stuck with her until the end of January.  I sent an email about some math papers that came home -- one that had drawing and writing on it, and a variety of problems that are mostly too hard.  I am sure she was given this sheet and left to her own devices.  And then what?  I have no idea.  No one looked at the sheet before it was sent home?  

So, more of those sheets were sent home.  I asked at the conference for a math plan, and asked if she’d begin multiplication soon.  Multiplication sheets came home.  Two sheets on the concepts of multiplication and a number of fact sheets.  

I went to the Learning Store on Thursday and brought home some new workbooks -- some reading comprehension after short paragraphs which are pretty hard for what they say is second grade.  I may have to go back and get something easier but I’ll try slogging away at the one I bought for the week and see if Julia can do it.  I also got a money workbook and the easiest multiplication workbook that I could find.

We started talking about multiplication a few minutes ago.  I drew triangles and asked Julia to put them in groups of 2’s or 3’s.  We counted the groups and she was able to say, “there are 3 fours,” to which I replied 3 fours can be written 3x4.  Then she counted the triangles and could answer that there were 12 triangles and 3 fours were 12 and 3x4=12.  I think we have to do this for awhile before we take another step.

There is a big caveat here -- I have no idea if we should be working on multiplication right now.   I have no idea of what is next in math or how to introduce it.  

I think I was in the place a few summers ago.  Before Randall and Deb Rumpf.  I am cranky about having to go back to this place, this mindset.  On the other hand, I remember where we were when last I felt so alone and felt the responsibility to figure out what and how to teach Julia.  Julia barely knew a few sight words, she was reading by memorizing texts that we went over and over, she could hardly write her name, her first name, and there were no numbers, no time, no past and future, and David had a very short time to live.  

Today, Julia reads.  She counts, she adds and subtracts.  She spells and wants to write stories.  She can talk about tomorrow and yesterday, and we -- she and I -- are a stronger family.

And I see I am finally and still an optimist.  Low, sad, cranky, frustrated, but resilience and strength is returning.

I went to a parent teacher meeting yesterday.  I cannot help but reflect on the parent teacher meetings that I went to when Cheshire was in grade school.  Meetings during which teachers would gush and praise and during which we never had many questions or expected to discover much that we did not know.  Meeting what sometimes ended with time to spare.

Now I go to parent teacher meetings with questions and worries and apprehension.  Will I hear about inappropriate behavior?  Has Julia begun hitting again?  Is she scratching and bleeding?  Showing her underpants?  And work??

That’s what goes through my head.  Experience does shape outlook.  Is that depressing or realistic?  

Anyway, most of the news was good.  Julia is doing solid second grade work, a bit better in reading.  She is actually in math and reading groups, and is spending all her science time with her science group without much redirection.  Her classroom teacher thinks her behavior has hit new highs, and there are even those two girls who invite her to play with them.  Slow, steady and good progress.  I almost don’t want to dissect it.  Looking at her current IEP, which will be ready to be renewed in February, she has met many of her goals.  I don’t know if it is half but close.  She is, well, really, they are, working on almost all of her goals and feel she is progressing.  Again, this marks a change from the years of not seeing any, or only a few goals progressing or met.  And her classroom teacher tells me that although there are time when transitions can still be a bit dicy -- talking back, sassiness, and a few times when Julia hit her aide on the arm -- what brings her back to her better/more controlled self, is to say that if she cannot act appropriately, she will not be able to stay in the classroom.  And rarely these days, does she get sent out.  

Another thing that her teacher told me was that Julia works hard and does quality work, she does her best.  Sometimes, or perhaps most of the time, that work is modified for her, but she seems to have adopted a very good work ethic.  I saw a “water cycle” poster that she drew in class yesterday.  It was clear that she copied the picture because the style was not her own.  The mountain looked like an illustration, the rain clouds were perfect, and the big curved arrows were where they were suppose to go.  She was one of the few kids who finished in the time allotted.   

There is a lot here to be proud of.  And I was able to breathe a bit easier when I left.  My guard still cannot be dropped.  Maybe one day.

The unfortunate news, which has nothing to do with Julia’s behavior is that the sub who took over when the special ed teacher left will stay until the end of the semester.  And it will be a newly minted special ed teacher who is supposed to be quite good who will take over in January.  Julia’s classroom teacher likes the present sub and she has heard good things about the new teacher.  I have not been able to establish good communication with the sub which is disappointing.  I am just cranky about this.  I know that kids have great teachers, awful teachers, and everything in between and survive.  And learn.  This crabbiness is just my intense pursuit of the best that I can possibly get for Julia.  Always and constantly.  

Having a tough time letting go of the fact that school is not perfect.  I need to lighten up a bit.  Even without a real special ed teacher, Julia is taught and supported.  I have to remember that last year at this time, we were neck deep in dealing with rashes and bug bites and constant and intense scratching.  And we are not there this year.  

Switch.

Recently, it has been difficult for Julia to get up in the morning and get herself going.  I’ve tried lots of things and last week they were all failing and I was just incredibly angry.   Angry at her for not listening, angry at me for my anger which gets us nowhere.  A good conversation with Marilyn got me back on some better track.  I decided to finally use a Love and Logic approach to the morning.  I did a bit of research into the system a few years ago but Julia didn’t seem ready to use it.  Now, I hope that she is.

I told her about it this weekend.  If she doesn’t get dressed on time, we will put clothes in a bag and go downstairs.  She can try to dress downstairs but she must also eat and do that part of getting ready.  If she isn’t ready by the time the bus is due, she will miss the bus.  She will call school and tell them she will be late and why.  I will drive her to school and she will do what she needs to do to catch up in the car.  She will also lose her iPad for the day.  

So Monday went perfectly, today, not so much.  She watched the bus go by and she moaned and groaned about it.  I took the iPad out of her backpack.  She called school Then we walked the dog before I took her to school.  This is sort of a tough love exercise, and it could end up with her getting dressed and eating breakfast in the car which would not be comfortable as the weather gets colder.  I hope I don’t have to repeat it much, but I can’t continue to be completely responsible for getting her out the door.  She needs to find it in herself.  

Can I pray for a better tomorrow?

An unfortunate comment on Facebook -- political, what else? -- led a friend of a friend to tell me that she used to read my blog but stopped years ago.  She didn’t say why but at least right now, she does not like my politics.  I had to think about how much politics was on my blogs -- some, but not an extraordinary amount.  I don’t think.  (Traci, you can correct my impression if I am wrong.)  Rashly, I responded, “Was it death, disability, politics or religion?”  My take on any of those could offend.  I will not check for reply.  I have posted a moderate amount of political stuff on Facebook this election season, and I am sure that I have been “hidden” or “defriended” some.  I have done the same to some of the most rabid right wing political postings.  Conservative viewpoints are just part of the discussion, but the musings of Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh, I don’t need to see.  I don’t even disapprove.   Free speech and the like, but I don’t need to entertain it myself.

For a moment, reading that this adoptive mother, stopped reading my blog made me feel badly.  In part of my gut, I want to please. I wanted the sweetness and light of the lovely adoption blogs that I visit from time to time.  Gosh, I hope that some of them are absolutely true.

But they are not my experience.  Hell no!  The last six years have battered and bruised me.  I’ve written unkind things, unfair things, maybe some wrong headed notions, but also truth.  Not universal truth by any means, only my own very fallible truth.  I fail frequently.  I omit some of the uncomfortable.  I write as much of my truth as I can manage.  And so, I should not be surprised that I’ve offended.  Of course, I have.

As long as I am standing high on a soap box, I will be a bit more daring.  The other day, for the first time since David died, I missed physical intimacy.  It has taken 27 months to miss sex.  I’ve miss having a partner in so many other ways, it is almost funny to arrive at this missing.  And I am rather embarrassed by it.  Maybe it took too long, maybe it is still inappropriate.  But there it is.  

Unhappy letter to Julia's special ed teacher:  

Dear S,

I am sending back the math sheets that came home on Friday.  This is far beyond Julia’s ability at present and I don’t think it works to have her therapists and I coach her through each square.  She doesn’t have most of the concepts and coaching her through a new concept for a single square does not teach her anything.  She can do the math facts, although not perfectly.  She can also do the <, >, but again not perfectly.  To get her to do a sheet of mixed addition and subtraction problems, we worked most of the summer using different strategies, like color coding, to get her to recognize the difference between problems.  We spent the entire summer on addition and subtraction facts and greater and less than, even these concepts are not rock solid.  To give her a scattering of math concepts does not help her learn.   

When you sent the similar sheet last week, I thought you might have been trying to assess Julia’s skills, but I don’t think it is useful to do more.  It is simply frustrating for all of us.  Even simple word problems will take much more practice before she can do them independently.  Right now she can do: If I have 5 apples and you have 4, how many apples do we have.  But modify that a little and she is lost.  Example: I bought home a bag of apples.  I gave 5 to my family and my neighbor took 4 home.  How many apples were in the bag?  This took a long time and many pictures to explain, and she could not do another problem like this on her own right now.  

Can we get together on Monday right after school to go over your plan for Julia’s math curriculum this year?  I don’t know what you are doing with her individually and how often.  If Julia does some of her math work in a group, I would like to know what they are doing in class and what the plan is for learning concepts.  I want to support the plan in every way that I can, but at present I don’t have any idea what to do or the direction she is going.

I am having somewhat similar struggles with the writing assignments.  Giving Julia a page-long rubric for writing a poem is not helpful.  What is the goal for Julia in this exercise?  Is it learning about rhyming? Is it making sure the entire piece is about one topic?  Is it about adjectives and adverbs?  Is it about capital letters and periods?  Which of these is the focus for Julia this week?  If Julia was a typical learner, I would not be such a micro manager.  I would expect that she would pick up some part of the instructions each time she did a writing assignment and by the end of the year, she would understand most of them.  Julia is not like that at all.  We’ve all been working on the Wh- questions for reading comprehension for a long time now, and she still needs a lot of scaffolding to answer “why” and “when.” 

I am sorry if my tone is demanding but we are going into our sixth week of school and I don’t have a good idea of your plans for Julia this year.  Are the necessary assessments finished?  Where is she in terms of her IEP goals for this year and what can we do to have her meet those goals? 

All of this has been on my mind for a few weeks now.  I feel badly about laying it all out at one time and with a less than positive tone, but I am very concerned.  I hope that we can figure it all out on Monday.

All the best,

Suzanne 

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I have no idea what concepts to teach or support.  Or frankly, how to teach the concepts.  I learned math quickly, Julia learns it very slowly.  I do not instinctively know what to do with her.  Today, I have the uncomfortable feeling that her teacher is trying to fit her into a low math group.  Julia’s math skills are probably far below the lowest of the math groups in her class.  If she is put into a group to work, she will find ways to manipulate the people involved to seem like she is getting the work.  This is not bad behavior.  She manipulates so she can survive and she is very good at it, but it will be the manipulation and not the math that she will concentrate on.  Is this the way that special ed kids get through school?  Very scary, indeed.  

What is scary is the degree to which I need to stay on top of Julia’s education.  This is in an excellent school with excellent teachers and a commitment to Julia, but I know that there have been general ed budget cuts that effect special ed and I know more cuts are coming.  Julia’s therapists and I put so much energy into supporting what she is learning in school, and still I need to worry and monitor and ask for correction.  This is exhausting.  I totally understand how parents can just give up and let a challenging kid skate from grade to grade learning nothing.  If the school is satisfied, I can so understand why parents just hope that their kid is learning and leave it to the experts.  

What underlies my fear is also my research into moving out of Wisconsin in a few years.  I was investigating the part of Maryland that Lisa lives in and I have been very disappointment with the schools.  I found a specialized school connected with the Kennedy Krieger Center, the John Hopkins equivalent to Waisman here, that takes in referrals from different counties in Maryland, including Hartford County where Lisa lives.  I thought this could be an answer for Julia but when I talked to someone from admissions at Kennedy Krieger, I was more than disappointed.  The process is long, daunting, and offers no guarantees.  I would have to enroll Julia in her local public school and ask for an IEP meeting.  A meeting would be convened after school started -- Julia might start school without any support in the classroom -- and the IEP team would consider implementing Julia’s Wisconsin IEP.  If they didn’t agree with it, they could ask for new evaluations, and then re-convene and come up with a plan.  There are weeks between each step of the process.  

Once there was a plan in place, Julia would need to fail.  The plan would be modified, and Julia would need to fail again.  Only then could I ask that she be placed outside of the neighborhood school and even then, the IEP team might want to place her in a different public school where the process of implementing her current IEP and/or modifying it would happen all over again.  If all else failed, they might recommend that she go to the Kennedy Krieger school, however, Kennedy Krieger has a very limited enrollment and she might be put on a waiting list there.

This scares me to death!  I would not have the therapist support that I have now.  I could not homeschool.  And unfortunately, I want a life outside of Julia’s education.  

This is a lousy way to begin a day.