the day after

I just posted a lot of photos in the photo blog.

Indeed, I did more than survive yesterday.  Thriving may be going a bit far, but abiding in acceptance, understanding and love are useful ways to define the day.

The days was a slow flurry of activity.  I cleaned and cooked in the morning in preparation for the evening.  I was in the kitchen puttering during that half hour that marked the time that the emergency team worked to try to restart David's heart.  I pondered the meaning of "time of death."  Was it the time that the pulse was lost or when the medical team gave up, when they asked me,  standing at the foot of his bed, whether it was ok for them to stop working on him?

We went to the pool -- I took my water aerobics class, bouncing in the water with a bunch of old ladies of which I proudly consider myself part of.  Then Julia came into the water and we saw some friends from school.  Julia hung out with the girls while I chatted with the mom.  It was a beautiful afternoon, sun, puffy white clouds, sparkling water and company.

Then home to finish preparation for the evening's gathering.  Maria from next door stopped by with an offering to Julia and I asked her to come for dinner and the movie.

Mary and Robert arrived early.  I showered and the three of us prepped while Julia did her reflex math. Then Maria and Kirstin and Amy and crew came.  We feasted on antipasto, home made hummus, cheese, M&M's, ice cream and Amy's incredibly delicious pear sorbet.  My DVD player would not respond to the remote and for moments there was the possibility of no movie.  Maria stepped in and offered her living room and DVD play.  A very handy save and the party became progressive.

The film, Mysaki's Princess Mononoake was very intense and long.  We all struggled a bit towards the end.  Julia was too stimulated and she needed to burst out in talking very often.  And we were all patience.

And then the movie was over, loving people left, Julia and I prepared for bed, Julia fell asleep and I could not sleep for ever so long.  But no matter.  I had made it through another of these anniversaries.  I was able to have a party, a gathering of loving souls to get me through.

And I enjoyed giving this party.  Actually, I also enjoyed doing the End of Therapy Party two weeks ago.  This too is a change, a move out of the tunnel of grief.  I am beginning to be able to do what David and I loved doing together.

Today begins the time of living here, in Madison, for more time as a single mom than I did with David. I miss him.  I would do so much to have our lives together back, but . . . I am learning to thrive.  At least yesterday and this morning.