Gosh, it is almost impossible for me to sit down to write!  I remind myself of what I imagine Julia’s brain to be like at times when she doesn’t have her ADHD meds in her.  I flit from subject to subject when I know that I have this writing thing, here and now.

I’ll start by numbering things and see where I get to.

First, next week’s wedding.  Julia and I will be heading out east next week for my last nephew’s wedding.  I have had anxious and ambivalent feelings about the travel (which is not like me at all) and the wedding itself (which I regarded as mighty strange).  I ordered a dress for Julia the other day, and went shopping for myself yesterday.  I bought home a lovely jacket to wear with pants and then had no interest in making sure I had the right pants and shoes.  Now, I have never been a clothes horse and have been ambivalent about many wardrobe choices but I had the momentary urge to return the jacket and just rummage in my closet -- which I know will not yield anything appropriate.  I was texting Cheshire and asking her whether she wanted to spend an extra day in Jersey with my sister and relatives when it dawned on me -- like a bucket of cold water over the head -- that wedding plans in general, and the wedding of my sister’s son, was just a little to close to the last nephew wedding that we didn’t make because of David’s re-hospitalization.  He died two days after that wedding.  Yes.  As soon as I realized where the uncomfortable feelings were coming from, I let out a giant sigh of relief.  Actually and metaphorically.  I will need to be kind to myself around this wedding and probably not spend an extra day in Jersey, but with Cheshire and Chris.  

Part of me doesn’t even want to admit to this “frailty.”  I want to be over the grief journey and let everyone know that I am really back to myself.  I also don’t want pity for the poor widow or have anyone wonder when the heck am I going to get over my self indulgent puddle of grief.  Is that left brained?  Certainly, it is ego wanting to appear to have mastered any challenge.  But truth is, that I am where I am.  I am not avoiding the wedding or asking for any special consideration, but it is a trigger and it takes me back two years to such dark times.  Actually, it also takes me back to the hopeful days, the days when I imagined that everything would work out well and that the life that I shared with David would go on and on.  Both those images at the same time.  I need to take care of myself.

Second, Julia’s newest bad behavior (I write that with a smile and a sigh):  I received an email this afternoon from one of Julia’s favorite people at school.  The writer is an aide who has been with Julia for two years and knows her well.

“I just wanted to tell you about a little incident in music class on Wednesday that is related to R.  On the way down to music, Julie was ahead of me in the line.  She then stopped in the hall and said what sounded like "R pushed me".  She would not repeat it when I sought to clarify what she said, so we proceeded to music.  As we were walking into class she stopped in front of R, who was already seated on the rug, turned around and very purposefully stuck her behind toward R's face, and farted.  I'm not sure if R knew what was going on, but I responded by saying "Julia, no, that's very rude".  As I steered her away, she hit me on the arm.  We exited the room immediately and went upstairs to the empty lunchroom to calm down and process.  After a minute, she apologized to me, and we practiced her apology to R several times, interspersed with her talking about doing various rude things to R like sticking out her tongue, etc., (nothing very awful).  She delivered an appropriate apology when we returned to class.”

When we were at Marilyn’s after school, I asked Julia about what happened and she pretty much told me the same story.  Her reason for the “behavior” was that R had refused to talk to her and rolled her eyes at Julia.  Whichever happened, it is clear that she felt rejected by R and became angry and looked for a way to vent her anger. 

There is a little back story here.  Julia and R were in the same K-1 classroom and the two of them attended the integrated play group the I began after school for kids on the spectrum.  R had a diagnosis (not sure of the specifics) and it did seem that she had some socializing issues.  Those issues were pretty slight compared to Julia, but the two of them got along and even had a play date or two.  R was a year behind Julia and when Julia left for third grade and Randall school, they fell out of touch.  Julia’s repeating fourth grade put them in a classroom together again.

I had heard from R’s mother that R’s challenges were minimal.  It was either a misdiagnosis in the first place or possibly just a bit of a delay in maturity which triggered concern.  Right now, R presents like a pretty typically developing child, or at least that’s what it looks like to me.  It might be that R is aware of the concern about her when she was in K-1 and is uncomfortable about it.  This is totally conjecture on my part, but I could understand R’s reasons for wanting to distance herself from Julia.  It might not even be conscious but what ever it is, Julia perceived R’s rejection and reacted to it with anger.

But there are a bunch of positives here that jump out at me.  Julia did not knock R down as she might have done when she was in Kindergarten.  Julia did not hit R as she might have done when she was in second grade.  Julia did not have a melt down when her aide tried to take her out of the classroom which might have happened as late as third grade.  And she was willing to apologize to both her aide for the hitting and to R for the farting without much persuasion.  She was also able to calm herself down, using deep breaths, when she was taken out of the classroom and brought to the lunch room.  That might not have happened last year at this time.  So, there is progress in her behavior.  

Julia also promised her aide, as well as Marilyn and I, that she would never do that again.  I believe her.  She will not show her butt and fart at anyone in anger, but who knows what she will come up with next week!?  Julia is still searching for appropriate ways to vent her anger.  She has it, anger, that is, and her anger can be intense.  The fact that she is controlling it to some degree, and it is coming out in this relatively benign bad behavior shows incredible growth.  

Another positive note is that the circumstances began with Julia wanting to talk to R.  Julia reaching out to another child to speak with them is still new behavior.  And Julia recognized R’s rejection, which is also pretty positive.  Many times, Julia has been completely oblivious to anyone’s reaction to her.  She had to get out of herself to realize what was going on.  To me, this is huge.  

And thank goodness, that Julia has people working with her at school who love and care for her.   This behavior could have been blown out of proportion very easily.  Once again, I am in awe of our good fortune.  

Now, I need to reply to the email about Julia’s behavior and here, I’ve just convinced myself that the “bad” behavior was almost completely positive.  Being Julia’s mom and turned me around and around again.

Third, working at Disability Right Wisconsin today, I was given an assignment, actually two assignments, that are really exciting.  I can’t wait to dig in, research and be of some use.  I will write more about this in my LEND 2 blog although I will not publish it until I am sure that it is appropriate to put the information out there.  Not that I imagine that someone is trolling the web for word on who is planning grass roots efforts on what issues, but it will not hurt to be cautious.  Still, exciting.  

Generally, I still feel as if I am making my way around the perimeter of  a dark circle searching for the way into the middle.  Or perhaps, like I was one of the blind men feeling some particular part of the elephant and offering my description of the part while missing the whole.  I am so self-conscious about my search.  What do I miss by second guessing everything and not just experiencing the moment?

Fourth, is anyone reading this?  Have I imbedded this blog so far within another that no one will ever find it?  Lots of questions about those questions.  Who am I writing for?  Am I concerned about readership?  Then again, if I was really concerned about readers, would I be as indulgent as I am?  Or do I just need patience to find out what it is I am writing about and for whom.  I’ve had so much time venting on and on about my grief.  Anyone who was reading for Julia news had to bear with memories and self-absorption.  I would not change any of it but there are winds of change.  At least, I think so.  

So, if anyone actually finds this blog, let me know.