It is early afternoon.  I’ve made turkey stuffing for tomorrow and Lisa’s made part of the sweet potato casserole.  Julia spent time with Reflex Math (on the computer) and she made four sheets of wrapping paper for our Christmas gifting which will go on Friday.  She is drawing now.  I stepped outside to pick peppers to put in the stuffing but we’ve been cloistered inside on a very beautiful day.  I’ll write this and then we’ll go out.  I am inclined to say that we will start our day but we’ve been having a full day so far.  

I am relaxing.  Letting the stress -- self-imposed -- and drive fall away.  It is Wednesday.  I’ve been here since Saturday late afternoon.  I am finally relaxing without guilt or worry.  There is no dragon at my back.  I am not terrified that I am wasting this day or this time.  I am just here.

So much I don’t understand on any level about being present.  I rush and push, myself and Julia.  We sat yesterday for more than an hour, just putting a 1000 piece puzzle together.  Talking to Lisa and Sarah Grace, but doing nothing else.  

Right after David died, I resolved never to waste another moment.  To live my life full out and with purpose.  I have internalized this very fine aim to become a terrible driving force that allows for no rest.  This dragon encourages guilt and restlessness, and dissatisfaction, and the ultimate feeling of failure.  And also a laziness that is the rebellion against driving ambition.

How do I make the desire to live in the moment, to live full out and to learn into a garden of tasks and goals.

I wonder this.