I go through this feeling every few months -- of having nothing to write about, of wondering what I am writing about, of trying to figure out whether I should have a theme in my writing, of feeling like I am writing the same thing over and over, of feeling like I only write about small, trivial things.  I have been surfing the web for various reasons and have come across more and more good blogs about parenting kids with special needs.  Most are personal stories, some professional.  Sometimes I want to be like them.  

Ok, right now, I want to be like them.  I think I was at some point when we were first discovering Julia.  Then, this was an adoption blog and I was hell bent on writing about my experience is in a painfully truthful way.  Then we moved, David got ill, David died and I discovered the grieving process.  All of that life happening threw me a bit off topic.  Maybe it expanded my topic or bent and shaped the topic in a way I never expected.  So, every so often I have to go through this minor tantrum of purpose to realize that just like my daughter, I am and must be exactly who I am.  I write what I can write about.  

And then, it is time to go on.

Julia’s birthday is coming up and she told me she wanted a party.  I was so excited when she said that!  She has endured a few parties that I've given her and wanted to bring a cake and candles to the therapy team meeting we had last year on her birthday so that we could celebrate, but I think this is the first time she has asked for a party.  Of course, this is the first year in a long time that I am in any way mentally prepared to give her a party. 

And then, of course, there are complications.  

Julia is not a kid who is invited to parties and does not have friends to make up a kids party.  If we lived in a community with family nearby, I would just have a family party, but as we don't.  So instead I sent out an email feeler to a bunch of friends, including Julia’s therapists and some grownup friends, who could celebrate with us.  Those with kids, I invited the whole family.   

Part of me hated doing that.  Be it special treatment or the possibility of pity or whatever other negative spin my over-active mind could put on it.  But that is me and my need to look “normal,” it is not what Julia needs.  Which is just to be who she is! By the end of the day, I had heard from everyone on the email list and although there may be some time conflicts, everyone wants to come.  I am still tearing up about that.  We have good, kind, wonderful friends!  And they love Julia.  And it breaks my heart that I have to have a different kind of party because of where she is right now with her social interactions, but those damned tulips are beautiful!  (You know that Journey to Holland story and what might be considered a response and also this one by the same mom.)

So, I righted myself again and will get into the party planning mood soon.  As I think of it, I am ready to throw a party.  I haven't tried for a long time.  I need to ask someone to help me host a bit -- after having a few folks over for dinner last year, I felt that I really fall down in the hosting department.  I am still half of a couple when I entertain.  And if that is the case, I just need to ask for help.

The house is as done as it is ever going to be (and even clean right now) and I am as normal of the brain as I can be at this time.  And my birthday is a week after Julia's and a party on the weekend between the two will be good for me as well.  And right now, I am thinking of it as a birthday/come out of mourning party.  That is what it feels like.