I had a dream of abandonment last night, the kind of dream that used to terrify me but when I awoke from it, the pain was almost sweet.  Last night’s dream began as I was getting ready for travel to somewhere exotic.  The name Uganda comes into my mind now but I don’t think it was there.  I was packing for a long time and traveling with a woman friend and an older couple who appeared from time to time in the dream either in or out of wheelchairs.  At some point I wanted to hug both of them because it was my parents’ wedding anniversary.  They asked if I was close to my parents and I told them that I was not, but that I still felt the need to celebrate the day.

I think I was younger than I am now, but it was not so much youth as that I had no responsibility and could travel as I wished.  That has never been a real time in my life, or perhaps now is as close to it as I have ever come.  I checked in my bags and was free to do as I wished without cumbersome baggage, and we had had to stay in a hotel the night before the flight.

I have been in this building in dreams before this -- part recognizable airport of somewhere foreign because the arrangement was different from somewhere in the states, part like a bus station, Grand Central in NYC, and part another kind of building, an office building or a courthouse.  As I walked around the building, I looked for David’s face and I remembered that he had left without a word.  He had abandoned me.  I had no idea where he was or why he was not with me or in touch with me.  

I’ve had this sort of dream for years and years, whenever there was mounting stress.  The stress was never due to our relationship but I felt an underlying tension that if I did not make it out of the present dilemma successfully, that he would leave.  This was never a part of our relationship but a left over from my relationship with my parents.  My parents’ love was always conditional and it was withdrawn from me on a regular basis.  Deep in my gut I fear that David would do the same.  So, I would have these dreams, wake up terrified, and snuggle into his arms to assure myself that it was not happening in waking life.

Last night, my feelings in the dream were as they have been before.  I tried to figure out what I did or said that made him go away, where he might be and how I could get in touch with him.  I felt wretched and very much alone.  I did not want him to leave me.  But when I awoke my feelings were completely different from those I had when I used to awaken with David next to me in bed.  I felt the sadness and the loneliness, but I savored the feelings.  Those were feelings of a living relationship.  I could feel such sadness that he had left but it was not the sadness of death.  He was out there somewhere, living, albeit without me, but living.  

How far I have some that even the pain of abandonment is light and a reminder of life and love.

I have this day, this whole day until 2:30 when I get Julia, to sort my desk.    Paper accumulates and reproduces there!  There is organization and sub-organization and files to go into and organize some more.  

And that feels like a useful joy today.