Last morning of the September Quest retreat. I woke up about 2 and tried to get more sleep. Failing that, I put on my sweat pants and some music and thought of writing. I have spent the time reading old journal entries and what I read enlightens and disappoints me. I have been searching for what to dive into for such a long time. I have the feeling that if I read back to my earliest journals I would be looking for the same answers. I have an impulse to swear off the looking but wonder if I have the choice. Why aren’t the tasks of today enough? I’ve imagined it was ego urging me on. Ambition? What? The looking has more to do with the future than the present. Has it been my escape from now. And do I love gardening because it is what puts me in the present. I want to be off the treadmill of reaching for what is just out of sight. I want to be now.
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