From 30 October 2012

It is necessary to have a guide for the spiritual journey. Choose a master, for without one this journey is full of trials, fears, and dangers. With no escort, you would be lost on a road you have already taken. Do not travel alone on the path. ~ Rūmī

I am Phap Tu’s Facebook friend and he posted this quote today.  Someone responded with “How does one choose a master? I don’t have one.”  Both are relevant to my morning.  

It is Tuesday.  I’ve set aside Tuesdays to do what needs to be done and to walk with Amy and to have some day time for myself.  Reading is my latest ambition.  What needed to be done today was the windows!  Washing windows.  With all the work done on the house in the last 18 months, dust and dirt has found their way to the windows.  The kitchen is the worst -- dirt and general cooking grease is a fine combination.  This is a chore for a couple, and although David and I did not often take on this task, when we needed to we did it together.  I could use that reason to excuse myself from thorough window cleaning for the last two years and grief did play a part in all that uncleaned dirt but on the other hand, I just did not feel like it.  And truthfully, if I had not made a date today with my handyman, Ed, to do the work with me, I probably would have blown it off until that someday spring of next year.  But come Ed did and we worked the morning cleaning all parts of the upstairs windows and the outsides of the downstairs windows -- the inside of many of the downstairs windows is decorated for Halloween and I did not have the heart to take Julia’s decorations down.  Neither did I have the energy to take decorations down, clean windows and then put the decorations back up again.  So, there are still 8 insides of windows to clean next week.  

And so, it was another “one more thing.”  One more chore that I have found a way of doing that is different from the way it was done when David was alive.  There are days when I feel my distance from him to be so great that the fact of our 30 years together is hard to believe.  Then, other days when I can still almost wait for him to come home for supper.  Every so often, I still do feel myself waiting for some kind of real life to begin again.  That feeling is fading but it still creeps up on me from time to time.

Two email:  

The first from Julia’s teacher

Hi Suzanne,

The kids would love a Halloween treat, Thank you!

I was going to email you today. Julia was amazing on the bowling trip. At first she didn't want to bowl, even though Sherrie S and I were encouraging her.  She said it was too loud and scary. Then the girls in her group took over. They walked her out to the bowling lane. Got a ball for her and helped her put her fingers in the holes. They showed her how to roll it and applauded and high-fived her when she finished. They did this every time it was Julia's turn. Sherrie and I just sat back and watched. Julia got two strikes and two spares. About halfway through the trip she started exclaiming' "I love this game!"

I had one of the parents take some pictures, but they just don't do justice to what a special trip it was.

Have a great weekend!

B

And then one from me to Julia’s teacher:

Hi Beth,

I am not sure who I should be writing to so I'll start with you and if I am wrong, could you please forward this to whom it should be addressed.  

The timeline project has really taken off.  We started it last week by looking at old pictures.  Julia picked out many, many pictures, and with some help she wrote something about each picture.  I imagined that we could get the number of pictures down to a number that would fit on the paper provided but last night I gave up and got out a piece of poster board.  I know this is not the assignment -- I don't know if Julia will ever do an assignment as assigned.  She is so much not like anyone else.

I allowed her to go beyond the assignment for a few reasons: First, I explained notable and important life events to her and she understood it on her own terms.  Carving a pumpkin with Daddy was just as important as losing her baby teeth was just as important as adoption day.  I stopped myself from further explanation when I began to wonder if her internal definition of important was not absolutely correct.  Second, there are a lot of very sad notable events in Julia's life.  She did not chose to note the deaths of her grandparents but she wanted to note when she met them.  With the work that we've done in attachment/trauma therapy, Julia is really beginning to own her story.  This assignments seems to have come at an excellent time for her to claim herself.  At the same time, Julia has loaded the timeline with many happier events.  I felt I had to respect the balance that she found.  Finally, I thought the amount of work to do the timeline she wanted to do would persuade her to make it shorter; however, this has not been the case.  She has worked on it with me and with her therapists for days.  She has done it slowly and is trying very hard to be neat.

Please excuse this project that is much longer than intended.  Julia followed the spirit, if not the letter, of the guidelines.

All the best,

Suzanne