Halloween.  Okay.  I need a good wallow.  Right now.  Julia had a wonderful time going out from house to house saying almost appropriate things at times to strangers and neighbors.  I am still trying to protect her, interrupt her, stop her from more inappropriateness.  And she doesn’t really care.  It is me and not her.  My own need to be in the neuro typical club.  Most of the time when we are alone we are in our own normalized world.  We can add those grownups who accept her and one or two kids who are the same, but let her out in the general population . . . but it is my problem.  She is working it out for herself.  One of her aides today in school commented about how much better Julia is working.  And Julia is working it out -- tonight, I saw her ask a few kids their names or complement them on good costumes.  Sometimes she is still using a script of sorts.  Sometimes she talks much too loud or invades space, but she uses the skills that she has learned.  

Forgive me, but tonight I just want to know that she will have a place in this world when she grows up.  Living this day, present in the present is my lesson.

Last night, we watched an episode of Avatar - The last air bender during which Ta, an earth bender, tells her friends that her father has let her travel around the world.  She is going with her friends.  Julia ask me why Ta would want to travel around the world.  I told her that it would be a great adventure.  Julia loves the word adventure.  All our trips are adventures.  Then, she asked why her father let her go.  “Wouldn’t he miss her?”  I thought that her father would miss Ta but that sometimes kids grow up and want to travel alone or with friends.  Julia took my hand and said, “Mom, when I grow up I will go around the world with you.”  

If Cheshire had said such a thing when she was little, I would have smiled, maybe told David about it, or possibly told the story over lunch but it would not have been more the just sweet.  To hear Julia say such a thing is so much more.  First, she now talks about growing up.  There was a time when she would almost have a melt down if someone asked her what she was going to be when she grew up.  She is owning her own growth.  And second, she wants to go with me.  We may not be perfectly attached but we are family and she wants me with her.

Both great strides forward. 

But then . . . in school the other day, Julia’s teacher needed to correct her for something.  Maybe transition behavior.  Nothing awful and no big threat.  Julia turned to her teacher and asked that if she didn’t do as she was told would she get sent back to China.  I think it knocked the wind out of her teacher.  Yes, it is sad that Julia says this but I see it as positive as well.  Julia is aware of cause and effect.  She understands that her behavior can impact how others treat her.   She has a wider world.

Julia finished her time line tonight with one of her therapists.  She is excited about bringing it to school.  I have to go into school tomorrow for a meeting first thing in the morning.  Maybe we will bring it in then so she doesn’t have to handle it on the bus on Friday.  We helped her a lot but the core of it, the content of it is so much her.  I’ll post pictures in the photo blog.

And today, I said something to my LEND mentor about not completing my internship at DRW.  It is an interesting place, they do great work -- advocacy and lobbying.  I work for an incredible woman.  But I know that I don’t want to be involved in the systems level world.  I respect what they do -- and oh, how much i wanted to work there when I first moved to Madison -- but I don’t belong there.  I feel like I never do enough work there and I really don’t want to bring that work home.  Truthfully, I don’t have time to bring that work home.  I am barely reading anything that I had planned to this semester.  I am overloaded -- yes, I did it to myself -- and this is what must go.  I am going to feel awful withdrawing -- a bit like a failure -- gosh, I have to please everyone!  What a stupid burden.  Just too much of my own anxiety around doing “enough.”  

Ellen left me with something last time we spoke.  “Holding my part is enough.”  You know, this too is something about coming out of the grief mode.  I’ve lost my anchor, he who reflected back to me.  I need to do it for myself and at this point, I am still lousy at it.  I’ve always had a fierce need to please and I’ve taken my worth from how and who I pleased.  In some ways this made me a good partner, a good team member, but I need to be able to look in clear water and see my own reflection and decide for myself if that is pleasing.  

One more thing that will take time and patience.